Loosing interest in hubby

Val, do you think he might want to be with a man? How fem is he? Does he want to dress up?

ValGal and Subserv, indeed you seem to be right -- I see I can still post. The first time I came to this forum, I could not -- I had to enter a username and password for a post to be accepted, and I didn't have them. I got them from the 'Join Now' page (it appears after you click 'Sign Up' here), which took me to a Ticketplace site that asked for a one-month membership (among other options). This is how I got the username Asehpe/asehpe (actually a word in an Indian language) and started posting. Well, anyway, I'm not complaining...

ValGal, I'm curious about your bf's reaction to the new situation. If he's vanilla, this may be more than a little strange for him.

I have the same question as dblue -- how fem is hubby? Does he want to become a woman? Is this independent from, or related to, his cuckold desires?

ValGal, we never really know anyone inside out -- because we don't even know ourselves perfectly. I'm always surprising myself (I never thought I'd want to be a man, and now look at me -- I even think I'm not doing a bad job...). Ten years in the future you may have discovered things about yourself (or hubby or bf) that you don't even suspect today.

I think it's more about how you feel about these new discoveries. You're being a nice girl by supporting him and helping him become what he wants, but stay in touch with your feelings about that. I guess the truth is that, however much we all want to be nice and supportive, if we have conflicting feelings about playing this role (if we deep down dislike that which we're supporting, for instance), these feelings will sooner or later have effects that we don't like. We have to be honest with ourselves.

In other words: I'm afraid you maybe don't like your hubby's female side (maybe it somehow offends your femininity as a heterosexual woman), and that this dislike may slowly erode and ultimately destroy your love for him.

dblue and asehpe, I'll see if I can put it into words, but take what I say with a grain of salt...I'm still new to this, and I think hubby may also be dealing with things he's kept bottled up most of his life, so I'm not sure he really knows.

First, as for my bf, he seems to be accepting the little "family life" routine about as well as could be expected. I guess he understands that I'd like it to get to the point where he comes and goes as he likes - and as much as anything, this would give him more "access" to me whenever he's in the mood. We've sort of had that, but it always seemed like setting up a date...something you had to do "on purpose". Transitioning that to something more flexible and open seems to feel good to him, and I think at some point, he'd like to feel like it's "our" bed, "our" home, etc.

For whatever reamister, he also seems to have more confidence where I'm involved. I think the way it was in the past, he almost felt like someday I'd wake up and walk out. Admittedly, I probably gave him that feeling early on in our relationship because I felt a little unsure of the whole cuck lifestyle - I guess he thought I was likely to put an end to it. Now, maybe he feels like we have more of a commitment to each other, since I'm essentially inviting him into our home to be part of our family. I find I like this part myself...I tend to be your typically submissive woman, so I guess I like the thought that my guy feels like he "owns" me (at least up to a point...I'm still a bit of a rebel at heart!).

As for hubby, so far he seems to be adapting well. When my bf is around, he seems content to keep a bit of distance, but not to withdraw. I try to keep the three of us involved in conversation and so on, so maybe that helps. I can tell he's more or less constantly aroused when my bf is here, so I know somehow it's feeding something that feels good to him.

When my bf isn't here, hubby and I have been talking a lot about his fem thing. Once I got to a point where I could see him as someone I love, struggling with a painful topic, things got much easier. He confessed that he's been cross-dressing since he was a kid, and like I said above, I suppose more than anything, I feel sorry for him that he's been carrying around what seems like a pretty big burden for a lot of years.

Probably the biggest topic we spend time on is talking about where he wants to take it, and I guess I'm thinking he really doesn't know. Part of him seems to be thinking about drastic lifestyle changes, but to his credit, he doesn't know if it's just fantasy or something he wants to do in reality. It is clear to me that this is something that goes deep and needs to be part of his day-to-day life...it's not just a little fetish around wearing silky panties to bed.

Right now, he said he'd like to ltry what feels like a very unisex or androgynous approach...sort of straddling the line between male and female - you know, the type of permister you look at and can't really tell whether it's a girl or a guy. This androgynous approach feels better to me, too...I can handle seeing him in woman's jeans and t-shirts...probably be more of an adjustment for me if he started walking around in skirts.

He also says he doesn't have any particular attraction to men, which of course was a big question on my mind. Again, I'm not sure if he himself knows, but I've certainly never felt that he had any attraction to guys. I'm paying close attention to see if he develops any sort of affection for my bf...not sure if that's possible, but seems like it would be a natural way for him to go if he has these thoughts.

I've only spoken briefly about hubby's fem side to my bf. He gets it, and I think he gives it credit for why hubby wanted me to find another guy. I remind him that if that's the case, then he should be incredibly supportive, since it's what brought the two of us together.

Anyway, it's all still very much a work in progress, but I suppose I'm feeling like maybe there's hope for all involved.

ValGal,...I've been following your story with great interest since it began.
Having been a cuck in a former life, and freely pursuing a fem lifestyle now, I can identify a little with hubby and perhaps some of the feelings he's had. I think that your bringing bf into the family, so to speak, will turn out to be a good thing overall as far as hubby is concerned. The only thing I might wonder about, if I were in his shoes, is when or if bf's presence becomes pretty much an everyday thing, that hubby will start to feel left out with you. Hubby certainly seems to enjoy sharing private moments with you, especially the one's where you watch and tell him details about you and bf together.
But you are to be commended for handling this unique situation in all the right ways,...keeping hubby involved, taking some of the unknown and secrecy out, and lessening some of the pain, even if that is what he wanted. Good job, keep it up and please continue to discuss and support hubby with his fem identity where ever it may take him.
Dancie
sissyboySC

SissyboySC, thanks for the encouraging words. I agree with the part about hubby feeling potentially left out...that's why I want it to feel like a 3-way family, not bf and I on one side, hubby and I on the other. Not sure if I'll make it there or not, but my goal is an all-inclusive one.

If you don't mind answering a question, I'm curious what you mean by "pursuing a fem lifestyle now". Care to explain what that's like and how it felt compared to the cuck life? What made you decide to go one way or the other?

ValGal,

I really do not have a lot to say regarding the subject (I am still trying to introduce this lifestyle to my wife...not very successful right now) but I wanted to let you know I continuously keep up with this thread. It is VERY interesting and i am getting a lot out of it. Thank you for sharing your life with us and I look forward to reading more!!

Hi ValGal,...transitioning to a fem lifestyle wasn't hard to make at all since I've always wanted to be a woman, it was just something I"ve always deeply wanted and finally did. I'm very passable and enjoy going out on dates with the guys. Feeling good about myself as a woman is wonderful.
It's not about the gay thing, and the men I date accept and treat me as the lady I am.
My cuck days were a long time ago, and not a voluntary thing. Actually I didn't even know there was a special term for it back then. Being a cuck was not a pleasant experience when it was happening, but oddly enough I find myself coming here and reading the real life stories.
Sounds like hubby is at an earlier stage of what I once was. Wondering if he has ever been in contact with any other girls like me? May be curious or interesting to him to explore feelings and desires with someone who has done who has taken urges to reality?
sissyboySC

Discreet7 and sissyboy, thanks for reading...nothing particularly new to report, except for one thing. Hubby says he's feeling a bit uncomfortable to share some of his thoughts regarding his fem thing, so he's going to take the plunge and get himself into therapy. I am supportive of this because numnber one, it shows me he takes it seriously, and number two, I've been fearful I'd somehow lead him astray out of ignorance or insensitivity.

Anyway, Tom - if you're still reading - sounds like one of your peers will be getting an earfull...

Hi Val,

any new updates? Hope all is well

Discreet7, thanks for asking...

Things are continuing more or less the same way as I've described in my last several posts. My bf more or less comes and goes as he pleases. I wouldn't say he's "moved in", but he's here more than he's not lately...probably 5 nights out of the last week.

Honestly, I like this setup more than what we did in the past. For one thing, it makes seeing my bf less of an "ordeal"...it used to be about getting ready and going out to see him. Now, he's here more often and I get to see him without all the "setup". I also feel like we have more of an emotional connection this way since we're more intimately involved with each other's lives. And of course, the extra time we see each other leads to lots more sex...which I think we both appreciate as well.

As for hubby, I'll offer a few things...

First, our relationship remains strong in its own unique way. We're talking as much (or more) than ever, and he continues to be the wonderful and supportive permister I've always known. I know the whole situation has to be incredibly humiliating to him, but he talks about it and I think he accepts that he gets off on that feeling...it's very deep with him.

One thing that's changed for hubby is that he's less an "outsider" when it comes to the relationship I have with my bf. No, I don't mean that he in any way participates with us, but he sees us together and I guess he probably hears us in bed late at night. Our discussions have gone from "what was it like last night" to "you guys seemed pretty into it last night", if that makes sense.

Hubby also seems to be building some sort of connection to my bf. Yeah, I'm sure there are some hard feelings there, but the two of them talk and hubby has told me a few times that he understands why I picked him. I'd say this was my biggest fear going into it, and I'm glad it's working out.

As for hubby's feminine side, he's been indulging it a bit more, but cautiously so. We talk about it a lot, and our little shopping outings are different now...which frankly, I like. Not only is he my hubby and best friend, he's not a bad girlfriend, either, and this has opened up new things in our relaitonship.

I've also been reading more about transgenderism, and I suppose I've gotten to a place where more than anything I feel really sorry for him...he would have made a better woman than a man, and it seems cruel that he has to struggle this way.

Anyway, that's the update for now.

The reality is, this is one reamister my wife has not chosen to take the plunge. We have cuckold fantasies regularly. She fantasizes about big cocks and lots of men taking her - or one man doing her. It's all over the board - the whole gamut.

But, she likes to say, "Once you've tasted the red of the chicken..." She knows it would negatively impact our relationship.

You simply cannot separate sex from a truly married relationship. Sexual intimacy in marriage is a beautiful thing and a healthy thing. It is intimately woven into what a marriage is. Certainly marriages can survive without it in unique situations. But, ultimately, the cuckold reality changes the relationship - it's no longer a true marriage relationship (regardless of what others might say).

I don't mean this in any way as a criticism, ValGal, but it seems to me you are missing something with your husband if you and he have lost your sexual relationship. Sex is more than just a physical or mental pleasure; it's tied up with our emotions and inner self. It's inseparable from that as relational beings.

ValGal,

How are things going for you? Does your husband see you cuddling and kissing your bf? What is your daily life like at home? Is your husband submissive around your bf? Does he stay out of the way and give you privacy? How do you work out all these things? Does if feel natural and normal for all concerned?

MelSubHub, this is exactly the point that prompted me starting the thread in the first place. I think exactly the same way you do, and I admit I've had a lot of those same thoughts. However, my own experience tells me it's possible to end up in a different place relationship-wise...not better or worse necessarily - just different.

After a few years in this kind of relationship, I'm happy to report that at an emotional level, my love and commitment to hubby remains as strong as ever...it just doesn't really include the same type of physical sexual component anymore (although there are certain sexual aspects to our relationship, such as the discussions we sometimes have about what it's like for me with my bf).

Funny thing is that I think my hubby is all around happier this way too as it seems to satisfy some deep-seated needs in him. I've learned that I'm not so much denying him anything as giving him the ingredients he needs to stay aroused. Just so happens that in his case, those ingredients are all about offense and so on.

Anyway, I don't mean to come off as defensive...I still have many of the same concerns you raise. All I can say is that I'm still figuring a lot of things out - stay tuned for the outcome.

subserv, yes - we tend to be pretty affectionate whenever we're together. At first, this was really awkward, but the more time passes, the more natural it feels to all of us.

My hubby has been pretty wonderful about it...he seems to sense when to back off and give us some alone time, and when it's okay to participate. Little by little, hubby and my bf are communicating more, and the relationship they're working out is sort of complex. On one hand, my bf feels both thankful (as in thanks for giving me your wife) and power-driven (as in "I can do anything I want with her right in front of you"). My hubby is a mix of fear (I don't want to lose her altogether), presentation (mostly his feminine side coming out) and arousal. Mix in some jealousy, offense and so on...well, you get the picture.

The two of them are beginning to communicate more as time goes by. I find my bf going into a lot of these "did she ever tell you about the time we did x" stories, which must be incredibly humiliating to hubby, but he seems aroused by them.

Still, I have to say that it feels better to me than I thought it might. So far, no regrets.

Hi Val,

I am really glad to hear that things have been working out well for you. Although I have not been able to participate in this kind of lifestyle, I have done a lot of reading here and through other sites. I have found that often, things dont always end up good. I am very happy to hear that in your case they are. Your husband is a very lucky man to have a woman like you in his life. I can only hope to have as much luck. I can, as im sure many on here do, understand your husbands situation. Its very hard to explain how a man would actually be excited about his wife with another man. I have had discussions with my wife about it and she doesnt understand why either. In any case, as always, thank you for sharing and I look forward to hearing more.

discreet7, thanks for the supportive words. I agree 100% that it's awfully hard to navigate these waters and land in a spot where everyone is happy. I'm not so sure I've done it myself, even though I think we're doing better than most.

It is very difficult for most women to understand this stuff...it's certainly not the way most of us were raised, and it really feels different than the "grow up, find a mate, have kids and live happily ever after" messages we got as little girls. Still, my advice to you would be to find someone who loves you enough to grant you your wildest dreams - I'm sure she's out there!

Hi, So I'm curious, when you say when hubby knows when to participate, are you including him in any sexual way at all?
Also, not that this would be good but if the boyfriend and you ended it would you go back to sex with hubby?
Or would you insist on finding another male to take over again?

sex4fun, at the moment, there's not much sex going on with hubby at all. Sometimes, he'll ask me about some of my intimate encounters with my bf, and he likes to masturbate while I tell him whatever he asks about. That's pretty much been the extent of our sex life for about a year now.

As for what would happen if my bf and I split up, I'm not sure. A lot would depend on hubby and whether he wanted to step back into that sort of role with me...I'm not at all sure he would at this stage - it would take a lot. But of course that's all hypothetical anyway since I'm not in that position and don't plan on being any time soon.

Anyway, thanks for checking in!

Hi ValGal,

I have been following you story, any update on you, hubby and you bf?

Please update us.

Thanks

valgal, I've been reading your posts from the beginning and yours is still the first I look for an update in when I log in. Thanks for taking the time to share with us.

One question, what do your girl friends think of the situation if they know? have you lost any friendships during this as a result?

Hi ValGal,

I know how some close people can turn out to be. Well but again you get to find the real ones where even if they think you are doing something wrong they stick by you.
And were there are always those few, they accept seeing you guys happy and be happy for you guys.
I am happy things are working out for you and am sure sooner or later your remaining friends would not only be accepting but happy for you.
As for the people around you, I guess you should not worry as long as you 3 of you always stick up for each other. I mention this as relatives are sometimes more harsher.
Wish you the best.

blazingsun, yes, I agree. Turns out I've never been one to get to close to most of my friends...I guess I'm shy at heart, and I've always been pretty much of a loner in a lot of ways. So it's not all that big a deal to me that some of my friends might abandon me. As you say, the true ones are the ones that accept what you are in an unconditional way.

Anyway, the three of us are off for a long weekend together...this is a first, and I'm hoping we'll manage to relax and have some fun.

ValGal, love reading your story, I wish my wife was like you!!!
MH

Melbhusb, thanks for the words of encouragement...

We just got home from our little vacation together, just the three of us. Parts were sort of weird, especially some of the looks we were getting from people who seemed unsure who was who.

I guess it caused me to give it all some extra thought, and I admit I had a few moments of guilt and that sense of "what the hell am I doing?" I get sometimes. We were in a place where hubby and I stayed together a long time ago...I'm sure that triggered some things. Partly, I guess I was hoping he'd somehow "snap out of it" and try to reclaim me - but then I guess that's just not who he is.

Of course, when I have those thoughts about hubby, I also start to feel guilty about my bf. I guess I have other ways to make it up to him, but it's a weird dichotomy - no matter what thoughts I have, I'm always cheating on someone.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound dark about it - it was a nice weekend all the way around, and in a lot of ways, I think it did us good.



Still, in the end I felt very lucky indeed to have two wonderful men in love with me.

wow very very insightful post i'm going to go with palmcoast we seem to have the same ideals and lifestlyes.for me i'm come first to my wife and always will the second that changes the other guy would be gone never to be seen again ever...the extra guys is purely fun the cross over valgal has taken is would have way overstepped the line and would have been the breaking point for me.my wife and i talk alot her current b/f she likes and that is it but for her the sex she can remember the actions the passion but she never remembers his face in it we are all good freinds and she made me promise to never tell him.as for this i fine with fucking. true love would ******* me

Who is the "us" you mean Val?

hey val i read your post have you given up on your husband but still feel guilt for "leaving him"it seems your far more into the b/f.but my question if things went diferent your husband fought tooth and nail to keep you would things have taken a different course.we're still quite new to this and i never want to go down this path.i could never let my wife go i love her far far to much.any insight on this would be greatly apprecaited.good luck on which ever way your world goes

draclif69, I suppose my definition of "us" is sort of fluid these days...as I think about it, I guess I'm trying to define an "us" that includes three people.

jbrown, I don't like words like "given up", mainly because it's not true and they just don't fit our situation. I've never for a moment thought about "giving up" hubby in a permanent sense to be with my bf (or anyone else). In my own way, I'm committed to being with him for the rest of my life, and that's never changed.

The part that's hard to get your head around is that while my commitment to hubby remains intact, I've also learned that I can be in love with someone else. To most people, I'm sure it sounds like the guy who gets to have sex with me is somehow the "superior" one, but trust me - it's not really as simple as that. There are all sorts of nuances going on.

My current attempt at a solution - and I admit that it's imperfect and not for everyone - is to try to create what feels like a three-way family between me and the men I love. I think everyone is different...geez, I don't even know if this is going to work out for us...but I'm trying my best to find a setup that works for everyone with as little pain spilling over as possible for anyone.

Haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd share a fairly significant event...

A few days ago, my bf decided that our setup is a little too hard for him and now we're thinking to break up. I'm really ***d over it, but he seems to accept that he can't have me all to himself, and so he'd rather be free to search for someone to call his own than continue this way.

I'm still kind of numb to the whole thing, so not much else to say for now. Lots of pain though.

Sorry to hear that, ValGal. It sounds like you were really trying to make the best of a difficult situation.