New to this.....What am I? Cuck?

Hello all...
Jamister WM 38 6' 205....8.5” X 6.5” cut

I am new here and have a TON of questions. I am real conflicted with my situation. I have realised how much I am turned on with the thought of my wife (Sissy) getting fucked. Here is where the confusion comes in. I would consider myself a Bull physically and emotionally. I plan on posting more detail of our history later but in a nutshell. We have been married for 12 years and prior to youngren we partied pretty hard. I have never been a jealous husband, but never actually thought I would be so turned on by the sight of Sissy getting fucked in front of me. About 9 years ago we stumred into the swinging world. Prior to this we would have what we referred to as "sexxy time" it consisted of going to a local video store and renting porn. Well my collection of porn consisted of anything Jenna Jamermister, but I started to notice that Sissy always picked porn that had two guys on one girl and while we were watching the porn during our sex marathons she wanted a plug in her but and me in her pussy or vise versa, and would always cum during the DP screens. Over time I found myself only picking out porn for her, and had no interest in Jennas features. While playing online we stumred across playfulswingers.com and thought it would be fun to check out one of their parties. So we joined the site and signed up for a party weekend with the members. We were very hesitant at first but over the following two years had pretty much done it all. One New Years Eve Playful Party we met a couple that wanted to hook up and went to their room, we hit it off and found out that we both had the DP fantasy so we decided to utilize the opportunity of two cocks in the room and each wife got a turn. Well in both situations, due to my size, I was always the "pussy guy" and the other husband was always the "but hole guy". As with many situations prior to this I found myself uninterested in the Wife to the point where when it was her turn I went limp, now let me be very clear here I am very open-minded, but I have no attraction to guys. My attention or excitement always came from watching Sissy. This dates back to our party days, when we would go to strip clubs I would always enjoy watching her getting lap dances, and cringe when the dancers would tease me, which Sissy found entertaining. Once Sissy (then girlfriend), her best friend which happened to be a stripper, and I were all fucked up and Sissy wanted to show her friend my dick so she took it out while I sat on the couch and started to suck it, well a few minutes in she handed my cock to her friend to suck, and when she grabbed it I almost his the ceiling trying to get my cock out of her mouth. Sorry I digressed….Back to the NYE couple. This couple also introduced us to the idea of an MFM. They said that it was something they did often, and while they were talking about it I could see the interest on Sissy’s face, and it made my heart race. On our way home the next day we talked about the idea in between stopping at a few rest stops to fuck like crazy people. When we got home we logged on to the swinger site and look for an option, I found myself searching more than Sissy and more excited than her, even though she was also excited. I found myself only searching for verified guys that had a cock as big but preferably bigger than mine. We emailed a guy that had emailed us when we first joined with a very respectful email who had references and what “looked like” a huge cock over the next year we met him 3 times and each time all I wanted to do was watch, but she wanted me close. He was very cool and understood the game. After this all I wanted to do was watch her, which made for some uncomfortable situations with other wives at clubs and parties, because I was normally the largest cock there, but I couldn’t get into fucking anyone but Sissy, and please understand all of these women were 8’s and 9’s (we never give 10s lol). Over that two years we had the most intense sex with each other, especially when she would talk about getting fucked. After about 2 years of fun we were ready to have a family and decided to put all fun on hold. Well we had two kids and Sissy evolved into a mom, and what I consider the best mom I have ever known. When we started talking about the lifestyle she said that she was not interested in any type of swinging, and I was ok with her decision. During this time we still had an active sex life (as active as it can be with two small youngren) but we just didn’t have that deep primal sex the we had before. About two years we decided that we needed a weekend away to reconnect, so we booked a weekend at a bed and breakfast and had a very relaxing vanilla weekend, and we both made jokes of the vanillaness of the outing.
We decided we were going to get away every few months without the kids. So a few months later she comes to me with options for a week trip and on her list of options was Hedo. I was shocked and said you know this is a not so Vanilla choice. When I looked on the Hedo site I see that a black male review dance show RUNDU was there the same weekend and thought hmmmm interesting. So without giving away that I knew this, I asked her if she would rather just go to a more upscale resort like Desire, and she was adamant that Hedo was the place. The following week she sent me a text with a link to the Rundu website and said oh look who is going to be at Hedo…wink… Well this ignited the exact same sexcapades we had prior to kids the intense feeling was back, even though it was only fantasy talk. During the next few weeks I decided to simply tease and left her make all the decisions and moves. I told her that she drove the boat and I was only here for her support. I wanted her to do what she felt comfortable with. While there she was drooling over the guys but didn’t want to do anything but look, except for one night we decided to leave the resort with a group of the Rundu guys and there dates and go to a Jamacian strip club, which is something I would have never done if not for the company we were with. Well on the way to the club in a big van we sat in the back with one of the guys and his girlfriend and I had to stop to hit the ATM. When I got back in the Van I noticed that Sissy was all worked up and horny, and when we got to the club she pulled me aside and said “while you were at the ATM the guy asked me if I had on any panties under my skirt and so pulled it up and said no. He then slowly rubbed my wet pussy.” Well this made me hard as a rock and we ended up in the Champaign sweat fucking on the couch while the stripper we took up there held the door closed for us….it was hot. Since that Hedo trip we have never returned to a vanilla resort hopping from Desire to Hedo, but he have also never hooked up with anyone, but I have always silently hoped she would find a cock to use. Well this last trip to Hedo, she wanted something other than Fifty Shades of Grey to read, so I took it upon myself to find her something more her speed, (and in line with my fantasy) I bought her Sharing Destiny and Hes Watching, and during this trip you couldn’t have pried those books out of her hands, and we fucked with the same intensity we did Rundu week, all the while sharing fantasys about her being fucked by a large black cock. While reading these books we would discuss the plots and I found myself conflicted. All of the Husbands in these stories are sub, with small cocks. I am what one would consider an alpha male, with a large cock. And although nothing turns me on more than the thought of my Sissy being fucked by a bigger man, I have no interest in all the offense and “dateing” I read about. So what am I?

Please forgive me for all the typos, I just spilled my guts without a thought for proper grammer….