Told her I wanted to see her with another man, she got upset (Advice)

Hi. Thank you in advance for any advice or support you may be able to provide. I'm sure this topic has been discussed a 1000 times over, but looking for specific advice based on our scenario/experience.

We are a 40 plus couple. I am 45 years old and my wife is 52 and stunning. This is a second marriage for bother of us and we have been married 1 year but together for 3 years. W knew early on in our realtionship we both enjoyed the fantasy of her being with another man or another man watching us while we have sex. This is only a fantasy that we have discussed in the bedroom until recently for the most part. She has always know I have been turn on by the subject however. In the the Mrs.'s prevois marriage her husbad had encouraged her to relax with other men which she did only a couple of times in the last years of the marriage. she had enjoyed the experience so she says but her prevoius husband pressured her for details ot the events to the point of be annoying. He became consumed by the idea of her relaxing with other men but she was also flattered by the attention and flirting with men while out. They even joined websites like "Madimister" where she would chat with other men but never met them.
Fast forward. The divorced and we started dating. We learned that we both enjoyed the idea of her being with other men and flirting with other men while we would be in the heat of passion. sexy exchanges and roleplaying always seem to get BOTH of US off quickly. It's not verytime we have intimacy but quite frequently. Generally the converstation is because H ave started it. She will firt a ittle bit when we are out ...nothing serious but flirting all the same with other guys, waiters, etc. She knows it but never goes overboard with her flirting...I actually wish she be a littler more aggressive with her intentions. We have talked about her past experiences with her previous husband which are negative memories for her because he had been a constant cheater throughout their marriage and she felt deep down the reamister her wanted her to relax with other men was so he would not feel so guilty cheating on her and to also hold her limited relaxing with another man experience over her head ...making her feel guilty etc. but we have always happen an open line of communication and very sexually compatible and deeply in love.
The issues is a few different variables. She has told me that sometimes she just wants sex to be just "us" not a roleplay or mentally involing another man. she enjoys the fantasy but sometimes its a little to much for her as she just wants loving and tenderness. apparently i make her feel like she can't excite me on her own so I have to invole a cuckold type of roleplaying to our lovemaking. She mad me aware that sometimes the "third permister talk" upsets her but sometimes it excites her too, but I need to layoff a little bit. which I do, but then in heat of passion I get a little to forward with dirty talk and I start talking about her with another man while I watch or her going on a date after I dress her for the evening etc. I'm a little embarassed to mention but sincerely looking for advice or support, so I must add sometimes (not all the time) I ask her to tease me about my penis size. things like you like my small cock sexy? My lil dick feels good inside you? Fuck my little dick sexy? stuff like that.

We'll we were out to dinner other evening. Very nice restaurant having a couple takes. Talk got a little sexual as sometimes they do. Somehow we got on topic of previous husband wanting her to be with another man and it was too much for her. He would obsess over the topic and it was belittling for to hear over and over. I asked candidly what was the difference between me and him (like I said we can usually speak openly with concern because we speak out of respect and love)? Her reply was that he actually wanted her to relax with other men all the time and for me it was just a fantasy. Which I replied, I'mnot sure it could be more real then fantasy at times.
she did not like that answer and grew instantly upset. very shortly she stood up and proceeded for the door of the restaurant wanting to leave. she said she was upset with me. that all men are the same. why can't men be happy with what they have and that we always want more. why can I just not be happy with her that we have to involve another man? she then let me know women are differnt then men, that men can just have sex but woman have to have feelings to have sex. she can't believe I would be turned on by another man fucking her. it was not pretty but it later cooled down although words were tight until the next evening we we decided to sit down and talk about what happed the other nigth before.
yes a couple takes had been involved the night before when our conversation went sideways, but no one was takes. i statred the conversation by apologizing if I hurt her or had disappointed her in any way. I told her part of my fantasy was more of me being submissive to her then her actually relaxping with other men. dressing her, taking her shopping, me wanting her to go out on a date with another man more so than me being there when she was with another man. That she got the submissive part. that she also enjoys the fantasy. but not all the time. she feels that I need that fantasy in my head to even have an orgasm. I believe she is partially right, but certianly not 100% of the time. that the cuckold fantasy confuses her but thankful that i DO NOT want to see her with another woman, because that would NEVER happen. She admits she has bad memories about the same topic from her previous husband the made her upset with me. she aslo admits she understands its a strong fantasy for me and she wants to be supportive of it.
So I now understand I need to cool it on the dirty talk and roleplaying. but she is not telling me to never talk about her being with another man again either. i do not want to hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable again, but I do enjoy the cuckold fantasy/reality too.

so here I am asking for advice and your thoughts on our situation past and future. should i just 100% drop the cuckold fantasy and find another fantasy we can both enjoy? does she enjoy the fantasy more than letting on and we both need to move slower? if so, how do we go abouth that? again, any advice is greatly appreciated. please only serious replys. I do appreciate you listening. thank you

If talking about it upsets her, you have to just use actions instead. By that I mean that perhaps during sex you can use a lifelike dildo as a partner and ally. Initially you can use it on her and later as things develop you can encourage her to masturbate herself with it while you observe and give words of encouragement in her ear, such as reassuring her of how sexy and desirable she looks to you as you watch that thing (you can even develop a nickname for it) sliding in and out of her. Tell her how incredibly turned on it makes you feel and how you just love her for doing it for you. You will have to remain at the fantasy level for some time and perhaps eventually she on her own, seeing how it turns you on so much, will move it to the next level. Anyways your wife sounds like a difficult case, but you should never give up completely. Every hot reded female can be a potential cuckold wife. I am convinced of that. Good luck.

The woman is carrying around some emotional baggage, and it obviously has a severe negative effect on her. Trying to subvert her through manipulation is stupid. That is simply a betrayal of trust.

You should cut the crap and communicate with her. You talk to anyone in any fetish/kink relationship, and they will tell you the only relationships that work properly are the ones where communication and trust are the focal point. Tell her you want to have a serious discussion with her about the topic because you are interested in the idea, but that you understand that she was hurt before by similar actions. Tell her what your boundaries are, or that you want to find out what they are. Get input from from her as to what she thinks about her boundaries so that you don't cross them. Maybe you can agree to broaden your role-play to something more like Juanito suggests, where the play is to try and expand the boundaries and then revisit the topic again when she seems more comfortable. The most important thing is to keep communication open.
If you are OK without the experience, and she doesn't want to play, then just drop it or keep the fantasy in your head. If it is so important to you that it play a major role of your relationship, then you might just want to find someone else to be with. Get the picture? Get on the same page with her, have some fun, revisit every now and then to re-establish the boundaries.

Don't get me wrong, I think Juanito has the start of a good idea for someone who wants to get their partner into the idea of it, but you aren't dealing with someone who is new to the idea.

PS This is someone with a general interest in human sexuality. I have some experience in the kink life, but I don't live the life. So please take my advice with a grain of salt, but keep in mind your wife has some wounds and you just poked at them a little.

She has stated that she wants exclusive sexual intimacy with you.

You are pressuring her in spite of, but unable to comprehend, the fact you are insensitive of the negative effects from her previous hubby's incessant urgings.

My advice: #1) STFU and intimately sex HER pleasure instead of your obsessions. #2) Set her free and find somebody that shares the same kink. Instead of trying to impose your kink on her enthusiasm. One or the other.
..............PSEUDO PERSON...YMMV!

We can't agree more. This lifestyle is more focused on the woman than the man. If she isn't in to it, drop it. Salvage your marriage and love her with all of your heart. Sure, you may want her to do something, but she doesn't. It's her body, to use as she sees fit. How would you feel if the tables were turned and she got off seeing you receiving another man anally?

Our advice, drop it and live the fantasy, but ditch the reality.

Regards,

R n T
rfresco_99
http://www.cuckoldplace.com/6_84803_1.html
(a series of instructional videos we posted)

Dude what's wrong with you. Respect her past and current state of mind. She's been very candid and forward with you.

Are you really that selfish that you'd put your desires before hers. That exactly the opposite of a cuckold.

She's been there done that and doesn't want to go back to it. You should be understanding of her needs, and her needs are to be in a monogamous relationship and is happy with you taking care of her needs.

wow, very difficult situation. In part I agree with the previous posters but I think they are being a bit harsh. I fully understand this desire and how consuming it can be. I have recently gone through the same problem but my better half is now actually relaxing with another guy. The reality is I now feel like I may have made a huge mistake but find the power of the turn on versus the reality overwhelmingly difficult to deal with. Permisterally unless you are both into it from the very start I think that you shouldn't pursue it and that is based on experience. The problem is how you then supress those feelings and live a normal sexual life going forwards, to be honest if I could answer that then I wouldn't be in my current position and I could help you with yours. Cuckolding is like have and I have to say I don't like the dependency. I hope you are a better man than me and can find a way to put the fantasy to one side... please keep us posted on how you go.