I have truly been cuckolded

My hotwife and I have been swingers for 5 years now, so her relaxing with other men was never an issue, but more of a turn on. I had a "cuckold" fetish and she played along with it. We had some hot times, but I was always in the loop, so to say. She would always tell me if she had a date either before, and a few times after the encounter just to get me cum quicker during sex. I'm not small she says, but a bit over average and pretty decent thickness she says. We had 3 major rules: No Friends, No Family and No Neighbors. We both agreed to it. I thought it was all good. She had tons of freedom to explore what she needed sexually. Everything was good, until "J" came into our life.
He was my best friend and I knew my wife thought he was cute, but I thought she could keep to the rule. Yeah right. I just found out they have been relaxing together for the past 2 years, sometimes as I laid ****** takes upstairs. I asked if they used condoms, cause I know he gets around a lot, and my hotwife said only the first time did they use a condom. After that he would cum in her and sometimes when I went down on her, I was unknowingly eating his cum leftovers.
So, I was just curious if any other cuckolds have gone through this? This feeling of pain and anger, yet when you look down you see your cock is hard as a rock? I now know I have really been cuckolded, and as my hotwife said, I either get over it or move on. I can't really get over it, since I know he looked at me in the eyes, sometimes minutes after fucking my wife, and acted like I was his brother. It hurts a lot, but I can't leave her

Sure you can.

no way should you leave her. you just now got her where you want her!

I'm not going to leave her lol. But going from fantasy to reality, especially who she did it with, is painful. True I asked her to play into my fetish, but never expected to truly be cuckolded. So, was just curious if others have gone through this and what they did.

I have to admit that one thing I never went through was my wife totally trashing rules that way. We did peel them all away, but our breaking of "rules" was always careful and consensual. I think you have correctly noted that she has moved from Fetish Cuckolding, which is consensual, to real cuckolding which is not. The question for you is whether you wish to make it consensual be accepting it.

By breaking all the rules - a friend, a secret, etc. - she has definitely cheated on you as surely as if you had been in a vanilla monogamous relationship and she had an affair. Your fetishes for cuckolding and femdom have zero exculpatory value for her actions. So if you want to walk now, you are justified.

But do you? I don't say this as a matter of fetish. It is the same with a vanilla relationship where someone has broken the rules. A question that only you can answer is: How big a betrayal does this feel to you? Not to gossips or relationship writers - to you in this case. Every relationship has different emotional bounds. Some folks are betrayed by emotional confidences, and some by sex, some by both, some by only both, etc., etc.

You say you won't leave her and also that she won't make amends or reform. I think that is fine, but make sure it is an eyes wide open choice: Understand that this means there are NO RULES anymore. If she can break an agreed rule and bring you great pain and feel no guilt or remorse, make no amends or promise of reform, won't even give him up (since he has betrayed you as well and does not deserve a second chance even if she does), indeed issues an ultimatum that you accept it or leave - then the rules are moot. You no longer have an standing here - she is the boss of you as surely as a bible-thumping husband in the days before woman's suffrage was his wife's lord and master. Your one and only card left is to leave and if she has called your bluff. (Indeed, if she truly doesn't care if you go, you are no longer in a modern reciprocal relationship at all.) The choice is stark: submit or go.

No doubt lots of folks will tell you that you therefore must go; but for myself (and I know you didn't ask my opinion, so I ask your pardon) I think that human experience and need is more varied than that. I would not censure you for staying, but I would condemn you for deluding yourself to do it. Choose to be her slave if you like. But be honest with yourself about the fact.
Pantalone, Wittol, oblate, abnegator, fellator, pathic, irrumatiophile,fop, epicene, cotquean, skivvy, thrall, and pilgarlic.

Thank you for your response. This is kind of what I was hoping to hear. We had a lengthy talk last night and I asked her if she truly meant "accept it or leave". She said she did not. I guess the remorse for what she did is setting in and she realizes she made a huge mistake crossing the line. The part that hurts me the most is the emotional ties she had with him. Sex was one thing. Falling for him was another. I guess it's going to be a long road of healing. I know she can't give up banging other men. She has always cheated on every boyfriend in her life, as I just found out during our talk. I love her a lot and he is out of my life for good. It comes down to whither I want to save my marriage and move on knowing she can never give up banging other guys and maybe giving up the "rules". Part of me thinks the rules is what made him the forbidden fruit?
Thank you so much for your response @mrsblackblowupdoll

@mrsblackblowupdoll, you have given me a lot to think about and some that you have brought up was talked bout last night, just wasn't comfortable going into the really deep details. Thank you so much for actually making it a discussion versus "sure you can" type of answers