unwittingly been cuckold - any advice

I disagree with the cocaine angle -- you might be more likely to do things that you wouldn't do while on cocaine, but it sounds like all of the things she's done have been premeditated -- she didn't just happen to show up at DVD guy's house or in Boston with Rick. Furthermore, the 'down' from cocaine is pretty immediate and short lived (relatively). There is an intense and awful comedown from coke, but you don't get mood swings otherwise unrelated to immediate use.

I'd be more likely to believe some history of sexual use coming to the surface than have use, but that I don't really know enough about the situation to wager a good guess, I suppose.

Actually, scumboy, the mood change can also come from withdrawal. If someone needs a hit and haven't had one in a while they will become very agitated and quick tempered. So you do get mood swings beyond just the immediate use. And actually, come to think of it, I do believe that prolonged use of cocaine will, for lack of a better word, dull your senses when you're sober; that is natural highs from life itself aren't as enjoyeable. Many, many women also use cocaine as an enabler for their actions. For example, they go to parties where they know exactly what is going to happen but are not able to do it unless they are high on cocaine - they use it as an enabler.

Drfarmer, there generally is not an associated change in attire, with one exception. When someone develops a very bad addiction then the only thing that matters to them is cocaine. At first that means redirecting funds to purchase haves, which could affect attire. Later it also means nothing else matters to them, including how they look. But once they reach that point there should have been some very obvious other signs.

Yes I will be thinking of her, i can't help that, yes it's a long road, but I know someday i will be mentally and emotionally over her.

Hey bro

Been keeping up with your story for a while now- reading the last paragraph you just wrote was the first time I could say I really laughed out loud For a second there i was like WTF- then saw your messege to ooze and laughed pretty good-

Congrats on keeping your cuckolds brownie together and making it thru this experience as well as you have - you seem to be a good hearted dude- I've enjoyed reading your posts and the posts of the people trying to advise you and give you their .02

Keep us updated and good luck!

Well mine was actually only .017, since I'm Canadian.

yes, overwhelmed, thanks for the humor. before i read lkitkinke's comment i too was laughing out loud. i needed it. i hope you did too...

overwhelmed

Good to see an update and even better to see that you're working things out in your brain. I hope you won't mind an insight or two from a woman's mind. I don't intend for this to be negative but I don't know that you'll ever have an answer as to "why". You may not ever know because she may not know herself. Even if you sat down and talked to her about it there's no guarentee that what she gives you (as far as her reamisters for doing it) are the actual reamisters, or if they are simply something she's just telling herself to sanctify her actions. All of the reamisters you gave are quite possibly answers; as for the actual reamister why...you may never know. Don't let having the answer be what it takes to let go. You know you must within yourself even without all of us here suggesting the same thing. More to the point...is knowing the reamister why it all happened going to make any real difference? Will knowing "why" change anything? No, it won't, and I think you know that already. What's done is done, the past is the past. Time to close the door and move on with your life. Easier said than done, I know, but you understand my intent.

While it won't be an easy process you will eventually heal and move forward with your life. Some say that it will take time equal to 1/2 the actual time spent within the relationship to heal and get over the emotional aspects of things. ie: A 5 year relationship may take 2.5 years for healing. Permisterally I've had one relationship in particular I never truly have gotten over, and doubt I ever will; but I have gotten through it to the point of moving on with my life. This was a significant relationship in your life and it will always be a part of who you are as permister. Everything from our past combines to make us who we are meant to be. I wouldn't be the permister I am today if not for the things I've experienced over the years. They have all happened in order for me to be where I am meant to be within my life. I'll cease and desist with the metaphysical philosophy. Many, if not all, of your folowing relationships will be based on the lesmisters you've learned in this one. What the lesmisters are that you have learned from it are up to you. I wish you the best of luck and much happiness in wherever your life takes you in future.

MontrealDom...I have a very serious question for you. There is no disrespect whatsoever intended in my query but I'm quite curious as to your earlier "slut" comments. Actually anyone that wants to reply to it is welcome to do so if your reply is as respectful as I'm being in the asking of it.

Why is it that a female that enjoys sex and is openly sexual is perceived as a "slut"? Truly, it baffles me. If a man enjoys sex and is known to have relations with several women within a given time parameter he would be a "stud". Yet a woman who does the same thing is perceived to be a "slut" derrogatorily. You mentioned earlier that girls go through a "slutty" period and some go back to "normal" while others continue to be slutty. What exactly is normal? Why is it that a woman that embraces her sexuality is a slut? I'm not being bitchy or confrontational; I truly would be interested in why it is that this is the perception among men or at least why it is that you use that specific terminology.

I apologize in advance if that would be considered highjacking the thread. If it get's too overly disruptive I'll try opening a separate posting on it. Just thought such a overly male contingent here might be willing to give a respectful and honest reply given the situation at hand.

Overwhelmed I would love your thoughts on that as well.

Ms Jo
SDFemDom

drfarmer

SDFemDom
I think you may have missed the point. As a professional problem-solver and problem-preventer, I fully embrace wanting to know and understanding why anything happens. Of course, knowing why overwhelmed's predicament happened can't change the past, but a full understanding of it and its causes may well be useful in preventing it happening to him in the future, which seems to me what he is planning for. Or if it can not be preventable, at least knowing it was out of his control from the git go will save him future wasted effort and concern.

Respectfully, I believe you missed the point. While I understood his wanting to know why, his finding the answer to that question may not be forthcoming. Simply because she may not know why it happened herself. It may not be possible for her to explain why she did what she did, and he may never find out the answer. It may be possible they could talk until doomsday and the answer still won't be forthcoming. I agree that knowing why may prevent future recurrance but it's also possible it wasn't anything to do with him permisterally and simply her acting out for an unknown reamister. His forward movement into healing shouldn't hinge on his knowing or not knowing why was simply the point I was attempting to get across.

I did use the term I truly would be interested in why it is that this is the perception among men or at least why it is that you use that specific terminology (Sorry for the bolds I can't find the damned quote function.) True I jumped the gun on the assumation he was using it in a derrogatory fashion but I did continue to ask for clarification.

Again, I'm not being bitchy, I'm simply adding in my own thoughts and questions as well as experience to the mix. Thanks for answering my question on the "slut" theory however.

SDFemDom

I can say this, if people she knew found out they would call her slut and it wouldn't be a term of endearment.

im freaked out now. i just got a call from her cell# and recoiled at the "hey buddy" greeting of rick's. i didn't answer and he started to say how he wanted to help us and i shut off my phone. fuck, i was so ready to just go to bed, and now i'm hit with fucking this.

overwhelmed

Do you mean that Rick was on the line when you answered a call from her cell phone. Meaning he had access to her phone or was with her and used her phone to call you?

SDFemDom
Please reread my post and your response. You'll find we are talking about different things. I answered your questions, disagreed with your own answers, and explained why. It appears you now agree with mine.

overwhelmed is indeed trying to put this behind him, searching for the why of it is part of his healing. Whether he succeeds in finding the answers, from his ex or from others, is a separate issue. Eventually, he will heal with or without knowing the answers.

As for the use of the term "slut," its context determines whether it is used as a purely descriptive neutral word, descriptive with an attached negative connotation of disapproval, or as a playful name. overwhelmed recognizes this.

For the past ten years or so, I have been reevaluating the common assumption that women are less inclined to be promiscuous than men. The sociological evidence and divorce court records are showing this is to be a false assumption. Some evidence apparently implies that women are actually more promiscuous. Such conclusions are very consistent with my own permisteral experience with couples I have known from all generations, but it is still a bit of a shock to me.

overwhelmed
Get a new phone number. Don't tell the ex or rick. They are trying to play destructive mind games with you. Don't let them. Good luck.

SDFemDom:
The word slut has many connotations and meanings. When I use the term "slutty stage" I don't mean it in a negative way at all. Somewhere when I first used that phrase I mentioned that. To understand it a bit better I would say that even the woman going through that stage is seeking the experience of being a "slut". Men go through a very similar stage, neither better or worse, but it is slightly different. I should note that not all men and women go through such a stage, but most do. And there was a time when women repressed this stage, but rarely do now.

As for the term "slut", I don't usually use it in a negative sense but it certainly can be used that way. I typically date younger women so my lexicon is more modern. When slut is used as a negative today it can be used with both genders. Today you can just as much call a man a slut as you can call a woman a slut.

Montreal Dom


Thanks for the clarification. I appreciate it.

Tomorrow, im going to tell her to just hear me out, listen, be honest on everything.

overwhelmed


my opinion...this may be the last time you ever get to speak to her. You need to tell her everything you feel comfortable telling her because you may never get another chance to do so again. Bottom line is that you need to tell her everything so that you can look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and know you did everything you possibly could to clear up the situation. I'm not assigning blame..simply giving an opinion.

overwhelmed,

SDFemDom is right. If I were you, I would WANT to get it all off my chest at this point. Do not let her walk away from this feeling high and mighty, which is exactly what is about to happen. She is already turning this on you, but like you said (and don't forget) she banged at least 3 or 4 other guys before Rick. While you were ENGAGED. Tell her this, dude. Say it. Get it out there. Do not let the fucking cheater walk away from you feeling good about herself and thinking she did nothing wrong.

You were testing her? TESTING HER? You already found her god damned cock-sucking-bride DVD!!!! Why the fuck would anyone in their right mind NOT test her????

Tell her this cuckolds brownie, and then turn around, walk away and never ever look back at that lady fucker.

Wow, I must say that I respectfully disagree with the two comments above. I would have told her from the get go that you don't owe her any explanation. It sounds like she's deflecting responsibility for her actions by partly blaming you. That's bullcuckolds brownie. Her actions are her actions. Period. One other point, women tend to be olympic verbal acrobats. You can't win, so don't try.

You are losing. You will end up losing. The question is to what degree. You Can Not Win This. Remember, this has nothing to do with you but to do with the evidence stacked against you.

If you want to end this by her thinking she is winning, that she did nothing wrong, that her doing everyone and the dvd was ok cause you were in on it, then proceed. And lose big time.

However, if you want your dignity, do what MD suggests. Tell her who she fucked, what she said and how she acted. Then tell her to leave. That her actions have nothing do to with anything you did. She did these things. You can also tell her we can sit down with our folks and friends and tell them everything and see what THEY think. She won't take that ever. She probably can't believe you know this information cause you can totally use it against her. So she wants to take control back of her actions and make you feel guilty so you don't use it against her.

And listen to MD. "Women tend to be olympic verbal acrobats. You can't win, so don't try."

You have lost. Take it like the stock market. You buy a great stock at $50 and it goes up for three years. Then it starts to spin down. At some point it breaks below $50. Before her gang bang it was down to $25. Now it is at $10. Do you want your $10 or would you rather have $0. Those are your options.

Overwhelmed, all,

I have been reading this thread since it started because it was different and seemed legitimate. I do not disagree with some of the advice here, but like to weigh in with a "contra" opinion.

The issue, to me, is more one of lying than the sexual acts. And I believe the lying is symptomatic of Overwhelmed�s girl struggling with her sexuality, and internalized pressure to be what she believes everyone wants her to be (a "good girl").

Unless Overwhelmed and everyone thinks the girl is a pathological liar, and beyond redemption, why not try to win her back?

Would it be too difficult for you, Overwhelmed, to accept her sexuality if she committed to keeping you first in her heart and in being open and honest about her desire to explore other partners? She may find that once she gets it out of her system she no longer desires other men. And you get the girl. The cuckold lifestyle may grow on you. She gets to explore what she wants, and you still get the girl.

My wife of 25 years cheated on me way back when we were going to get engaged. She told me one evening in a bar after some takes that she had a few sessions with another guy the previous couple of months, because she wasn�t sure of our relationship. The guy was a cousin-in-law no less. I knew before hand he was trying to take her away from me.

After having a small stroke, I calmed down and asked her to tell me �what, when where, and how�. I admit that I had a real storm of mixed emotions. I asked her to go to a motel with me. While we were on the bed I asked her to recount everything. Both of us got quite hot.

After we finished I told her �you can play with him anytime you want, just tell me BEFORE you do it, then give me the details afterward�. Her jaw hit the floor. But you know what? She never went back to him again. Long story short, we eventually invited the slob to our wedding. We have a photo in the album with my gorgeous wife, and me with a big smile, standing in front of a crowd at the reception hall. The asshole cousin is in the background with a big fat puss on his face. He�s been out of the picture ever since.

Today my wife has my explicit acceptance of her option to explore her sexuality with other partners. Of course, I work hard at keeping her happy and fulFILLED myself.

Think things through before you give up on that girl Overwhelmed. Take care man.

Alex
Alex Zander

overwhelmed
I heartily endorse the comments and advice of MD, eyewonder, and AZ above, even if they at least partially contradict each other. Language and logic mean different things to women than men (that's not always bad, but is bad here). You are in the real position of strength. AZ's story is very similar to mine (see my story in other threads), and I like his attitude and approach. Sex and lying about sex are two different things, and her problem is the lying, not the sex.

You owe her no explanation even as she owes you one. I don't really think you will get it because I think she is lost to you, so don't be disappointed. But if you do get an honest explanation (minor miracles still do happen now and then), it might be the start of a new chapter with you and her. Just don't have any high expectations. And get rid of that damned phone number. rick will continue to use it, I suspect, just to continue to rile you up, particularly if he knows about her talking with you.

Listen to MD's, eyewonder's, and AZ's take on your situation; Seems to me they are all right. Try any combination of their advice that feels comfortable to you, but do not spill your own guts out to her again, that will only make things worse. Good luck.

Well tomorrow she moves out, and I will be closing the final chapter on our relationship. Thanks to everyone who posted, and for taking the time to care.

overwhelmed


Hang in there...it's almost over. You can get through the next 24 hours. And the next after that, and the next after that. You really are going to be ok.

Tie her to a bed and let a pit bull fuck her. Film it, send it to her family and friends.

that always works, too.

overwhelmed
How did your first week without her go? When you feel up to it, let us know. We all care about you and are pulling for you.

Thanks drfarmer & sf

you need to STOP TALKING TO THE BITCH. Come on, man. There is nothing for you two to talk about anymore. EVER. Do you honestly think you could ever be "friends" with her again? Of course not. So why in the hell are you even talking to her on the phone? It is completely pointless. A waste of time.

That cuckolds brownie with Rick showing up at the bar...holy fuck that should've been the final god damned straw.

You sound sad, and it's her that's keeping you down, imo. Don't even let her voice invade your head. It's over, so you need to act like it's over and be rid of her. Good luck dude, keep us posted!

BTW, asian girls rock.

Overwhelmed give us some update on how's things man...we are little worried.

Ditto dub.