unwittingly been cuckold - any advice

I apparently was so stupid as to talk to a guy online about my fiance and naively led him right to her and now he wants to cuckold me and have been reading about (was utterly foreign to me) and I'm incredibly torn. Two months ago I never dreamed I would be posting about my life, let alone on such a board and guess I'm just looking/desperate for advice from someone who can relate.

my world was turned upside down right after halloween when I found an email on my fiance's laptop writing to someone in elaborate detail about a private blowjob dvd she did a month before. i was completely blind-sided. I've always viewed her as a conservative, wholesome, innocent girl. In college she and her friends would watch reruns of little house on the prairie and she got the nickname laura ingles. She wasn't a wild party girl whatsoever, was a straight-A serious student. We got engaged last new year's (she's 23, im 28).

I thought things we're great between us and reading her email left me thoroughly gutted. She described how she went off on video talking about our relationship, talking about three guys she had cheated on me with (some older guy who brought out a submissive side to her) and went into detail about each blowjob she gave over the course of a night and morning, including one wear she wore bride lingerie. It messed with my mind big time. I was holding out hope it was just a fantasy.

She's online alot and I never thought much about it, but the email sounded like it was to someone she met online and so I went onto aol on impulse and started a room called "my girlfriend was poornd". In hindsight it was stupid, but i was freaking and had been takeing. I was taking that Wednesday off to scour the apartment for it and wound up talking to some guy through IM (instant message) who came across very symphatetic, trying to "bright side" things to me, and I forwarded him the email. He was pushing the "she probably made it up for you to find" angle and eventually offered to see if she was trolling aol chat rooms for me and talked me into giving him her screen name.

So that Wednesday I told her I wasn't feeling well and went through her things when she left. It took a while, but her email had already told me what it was labeled, a bland title that had I not known I wouldn't think twice about, a lecture from college.

As much as I tried to mentally prepare for it, the reality of watching it was devestating. Long interview with her completley opening up followed by five different blowjobs in which he totally used her, made her be so submissive to him, and asked stuff like what I would think now (seemed to love the fact she was engaged) and had her show him how much bigger he was than me (im average).

It was the most sureal moment of my life and I reacted by calling her, crying (which i havent done since a kid) and telling her I found the dvd. She rushed home and was like "I'm so sorry" said she wanted to experiment once before marriage (which still didn't explain the 3 other guys she talked about), and said she's always been conservative and just wanted to experience. But she was also scared that I had the dvd and seemed more interested about getting it back and I said no, that I need time to think (bad idea in hindsight probably). So she packed a bag and went to stay at a friend's place. For some reamister, I thought I was now in the position of power, that she had to make things right with me.

So I took the rest of the week off and watched the thing non-stop (another bad idea, as it started messing with my head big). I cried, I threw up, I drank, and i jerked off alot, which also seriously messed with my head. cause suddenly this guy who I didnt know, and who I should probably want to punch, and there I was like jerking off at the way he got my girl to be so slutty. Doing things I never thought she'd be into (like cum on her face, she friggin stuck her tongue out).

So she came back on Saturday, I was nervous around her, which I never had been before, and said she loved me and wanted to be with me. And again asked for the dvd. She was spending the night at her dad's place (had been pre-planned, brother's b-day) and I was like when you come back tomorrow, we'll break it together, put it behind us, and start anew, that we would go out to dinner. (Should have been a clue to me, here she did this friggin video and im the one offering to buy her dinner?)

So after she left, I watched the dvd non-stop and the guy from aol im'd me again and I opened up to him, and said how i don't want to lose her, that i can't imagine not being with her and he was saying subtle things like "so you'll accept her for who she is" and I completely love this girl and said yeah of course. She's a petite brunette, like 105 pounds with great breasts and a very pretty wholesome face and I would stare hyptnotized looking at this guy using her. So the aol guy IM'd me again late night when I was kind of takes and started saying stuff like "stare at his cock" and was like you want to suck it, don't you. I'm not gay, have never thought about ever doing that, but I felt so reduced, my self-esteem entirely shredded and weird thoughts were going through my head.

So I watched it more the next morning, but then cleaned the place and was like all the weirdness in my head I'm going to block out and go forward. When she came over, I broke the dvd in front of her and she was like it's a new beggining. (she moved in with me temporarily cause her apt was sold and is moving out in feb, which is when we're to set the date, and part of me was wondering if she's just biding time till she moves out). But we went to dinner and she apologized alot, and hugged me etc, and things went back to semi-normal.

I was away the weekend before Christmas and got an IM from the guy afterwards saying he came down from Boston and spent the weekend fucking my fiance. His tone totally different from the symphathetic "i haven't seen her in any chat rooms so don't worry" BS.

Apparently, from the very night I gave him her screenname he'd been chatting with her. And thanks to the original email, he knew alot about her, what she was into, was able to get passed her shy innocent front, and knew how to push her buttons. He sent me IM's of her and him talking, including the initial one, where he goes from "haven't we talked before" to her sending him bikini photos and her talking about how she's curious about the "more than one guy thing." In another one, she says how she fantasizes about doubling the sexual partners she's had in her life in one night. And I could tell by her expressions, that the IM's were real. Then he had me take a look at a picture of him in my apt. wearing a t-shirt of mine. It friggin *******ed me.

He was totally into hurting me and said she was concerned about filming given what happened but that he has photos of him fucking her in my bed. Then he was like no more IM's, call me if you want to know more. And i friggin did. And he told me things that it so obvious that he was with her, our address, our apt layout etc. I'm so fucked.

Objectively I know, the best thing I should do is walk away, say it's over, but I do friggin love this girl. She told me just before Christmas that she's visiting friends a weekend in january, and now I know it's to see him. I revealed so much to him and he just took that and ran with it.

Now he wants to know if I want to go as well and says he's going to turn me in a total cuckold. She apparently gave him my email address when she was talking to him about me finding the dvd and he was going to feel me out, and was like I'll talk to her about you coming up with her. He wants me to carry her bags when we show up and wants me to warm him up as he kisses her with her looking down on me before he takes her. he's like i'm not gay but it's a turnon to see me on my knees, power trip thing.

In one of the im's he sent she apparently fantasizes about giving a guy a blowjbob in a bathroom with me right outside asking if anyone has seen her. But if I do go up there, she's going to think i'm the biggest wuss in the world. But the fucking weird thing is, after seeing her give head, like i've thought about wanting to see her being fucked. And apparently, he wants to fufill her more than one guy fantasy with his friends.

I'm so at a loss, I don't know what the hell to do. Two months ago I was mr. friggin normal life is great mode. Now I'm just in over my head overwhelmed, thus my name.

Sorry for my long winded rambling, I feel like a total idiot, for the first time in my life, i just don't know what the hell to do.