Loosing interest in hubby

Welcome back ValGal.

It is great to hear the update and that things are working in your relationships. I am one of those that wishes I had a wife like you. Don't get me wrong...she is amazing and we play some very fun games...but she doesn't have the desire to jump into the lifestyle like you did.

Wish you the best of luck.
Let me introduce you to my wife.

Its great to hear from you again! Im so glad to hear things are really working out for the three of you. It does sound that this is something that will last. Again, its good to hear from you! Have a great weekend

I'm late into this thread and I dont know if I can contribute but I'll do my best. My wife was very much like ValGal, I had the orignial idea of meeting other guys but the first one, a Nigerian student, she fell for and he moved in with us. I stopped having sex with her then.

Life was very difficult for me but my wife and I still loved each other but in a different way - her boy friend was very very important to her. Her left suddendly after three years when his studies ended and broke her heart.

This is when we became so so close its difficult to find the words. I tried everything to cheer her up - even encouraging her out on dates with other guys but nothing worked.

We cuddled and had long discussions and really became more like sisters, no sex just lots of love.

She became interested in me "connecting with my fem side" and I went along with it and enjoyed the make up and clothes but it was'nt really for me. We even tried going to TV clubs but although it was great fun it wasn't the answe. I was happy with my role as her loving best friend.

She is seeing another guy at the moment, another West African student, but I dont think it will last - he doesn't stay over or anything. We have settled into a loving relationship which is as good as our orignial.

Hope this hepls
jim

Val_Gal, it sounds like things are going very very well.

In many ways your relationship is the type I fantasize about. How feminine is hubby now? Does he dress all the time at home. Do you talk about cute guys with him?

Jimlondon, I wanted to thank you for the sincere and heartfelt comments. What you describe is very similar to the relationship hubby and I have, except perhaps that he is more interested in pursuing his fem side. It's nice to know there are a few others out there, and I appreciate your comments more than you can know...

In response to MrEd: I can't speak for JimLondon, but my own marriage no longer includes sex with my wife.

For me, I am still very interested in sex, and have a healthy libido. I am also still very attracted to and sexually aroused by my wife. So, it's not that I've lost interest in sex.

Even when we used to have sex together, I always fantasized about her having sex with other people. In fact, looking back, I don't think I've ever fantasized about *me* having sex with her.

I've never been interested in having sex with men or being feminine or anything, so I guess I'm maybe not so much like some of the other guys on this thread.

So, now my sex life is entirely vicarious: I'm still turned on by her, and I still fantasize about her when I get off.

Hope that's not too off-topic. I'm curious about Jim's answer, too.

Funny, this is really the core topic that got me to start this thread in the first place. I've since had lots of time to think about it, and here are some of my current observations on the matter.

Rdvrk, from the woman's point of view, sex sort of goes with the mental image you form of someone. In my case, although I love my hubby deeply, sex just isn't part of the mental image anymore. It's just not a role I associate with him, much like a guy who might be a lawyer would seem totally out of place on a construction site. Getting to this point, admitting it to myself - and then realizing that this didn't mean we couldn't still have a marriage - has taken a lot of growth on my part.

From his side, I'm sure I can't imagine how it feels. Yes, I think he finds the denial and subsequent feelings of humiliation arousing in their own right, otherwise he wouldn't be a cuck. And I think as he accepts his role, it lets him explore other, more hidden parts of himself, such as letting his fem side out. So I like to believe that it's been a net-positive for him overall. But again, I'm not him, so I guess I really can't know for sure.

This is a really interesting thread and I'll try to shead some light on my situation:

Yes, I would love to have sex with my wife, but I know that I could never satisfy her - I really do know that having seen her being satisfied by her boyfriends. We have developed a true and deep love that goes beyond sex and we are very happy - it would be a shame to spoil that relationship with my clumsey attempt to have sex with her again. I am a very good friend, soul mate and husband just not a good lover and she does have her needs.

Yes it tortures me when she is having sex with a boyfriend I hate it and love it at the same time, everything else in our relationsip I love.

I am very interested in sex but have no interest in other women.

I have become more like her best friend than a conventional husband. The fem thing, I suppose did have an affect, I lost a lot of weight in the past two years so we can share the same jeans, I feel I do see things more from a womans point of view and I certainly take a greater interest in her cothes, make up etc. but sex with another man is unthinkable for me.

Val Gal I hope it works out for you and your husband, having a loving relationship with him while you have sex outside is possible - it can be tough but it can also be great fun and a bonding experience between you.
jim

I'm not sure if "perfectly fine" quite describes it, but, yes, I'm not expecting to have intercourse again, and it seems like a decent trade-off.

I couldn't tolerate being married to someone monogamous, so I'd definitely prefer my life to that life.

Yep, that's us. The evolution of our experience was: started with me watching, went to her having casual sex on her own, got to her having long-term relationships with other guys. By the time we got to there, sex with me just didn't seem to make sense to her. So, yeah, her concept of me just isn't sexual any more.

lots of folks criticize cucks by saying they are really latently homosexual and cant come to grips with it.

That may have even come up somewhere on this thread.

there is almost always a strong defense where proclamations are made that being a "cuck" is NOTHING about being gay.

yet in a positive context (the very open discussion here), look at all of the wonderful honesty and support around this situation which is CLEARLY about someone who is gay, tragically never accepted it, and ended up someplace that they really shouldnt have and is now attempting to "repair" it as best they can.

hubby may be wonderful, great, fantastic, etc etc. But Im not sure I understand why it isnt clear that he should be a single, transexual or transgender individual, with a deep and loving relationship with his best friend (ex-wife).

It seems that in a LOT Of these cases, the institution of marriage itself is holding some incomprehensible power. That, and the last lingering vestiges of denial. Is our society so horrifically homophobic that, for many, THIS type of relationship is STILL better than just being OUT?

I suspect it must be which is really horribly sad. I have to say that none of it seems healthy. What would have seemed MUCH healthier would have been Val ending up with the boyfriend and the husband single, fully gay, and possibly on the road to a sex change all with the blessing, approval and support of his dear friends (ex wife and new husband)

Could some new splinter form of polyamorous relationship work? Er... maybe. I guess some form of polyamory works for some tiny portion of the population. But why are you thinking thats you?! Before this bizarre situation and all of the self examination it sort of forced on you, did you really imagine that that was a path you'd walk?

Imagine if it had NEVER gone this way and, instead, your husband had had an epiphamy, woken up one day and said "Im sorry... but I realize Im living a lie. Im gay and we need to divorce"

Dont you think you probably would have settled down with the boyfriend, probably had a great life, and wished your ex all the best in HIS new life?

Just think about that a bit before traveling even further down increasingly alternative and complex paths (like living in a love commune with boyfriends, a transgender platonic husband, and you)

You mentioned wanting to have a family. Why not just help your husband do what he clearly NEEDS to do which is NOT experiment with more and more alternative and masochistic scenarios, but rather finally accept who he REALLY is and live the life he SHOULD be living? I think you would both end up happier and emotionally healthier if this short term pain were faced head on now.

Losing

Hi ValGal,
Whenever someone uses the term "denial," to me it implies that the husband would like to have sex with his wife, but his wife is refusing sexual access. If the husband has no interest in having sex with his wife, and his wife goes along and/or has a boyfriend to fulfill this role, then there is no real "denial," it is merely an agreement that the marital sexual relationship is ceased or suspended.

In your case, since you use the term "denial," do you think your husband would like to have a sexual relationship with you? That is, if hypothetically you approached your husband for sex, would this please him and would he want to resume the sexual relationship. Along those lines, are there any times when your husband expresses a desire to have sex with you? In other words, do you truly "deny" your husband, or is it both of you who are no longer interested in sex with each other?

In my case, my wife has "affairs" with boyfriends usually lasting 4-5 months or so. Whenever she is having an affair, she feels uncomfortable or confused maintaining a sexual relationship with more that one man at a time, so she prefers that our sexual relationship be put on "hold" while she is involved with the boyfriend. When the affair fizzles out, as it invariably does, our marital sexual relationship resumes with a renewed sense of newness and passion until she meets someone new. I don't think of this as being "denied" (though it can be difficult at times), as she has made it clear that our marriage comes first and she will end any affair if I ever ask her. I have never made this request, however, as I think of this as a "gift" I give my wife. I wrote a detailed account of our situation in the following thread:

http://www.cuckoldplace.com/1_49279_0.html

Anyway, I was just curious how your husband feels about having no sexual relationship with you.

Rick

1 will tell you what could have happened if my husband had not come in the back door which i had made sure it was locked. the guy had already shown me his cock when i mentioned it when we were dancing. we went home and he had to go to ---as he was a teacher. the guy came in the next night after i had turned out the lights, he showed me a box of rubbers and a tube of ky. he wanted to do it doggie i said ok. he smeared ky all over my twat and ass hole. he stuck a finger in my ass and i told him it was the wrong hole. he said i know that but i want to get it in there. he sure did

Thought I'd check in...

Things continue pretty much the same as the three of us try to settle into a somewhat normal family life. My bf seems to have adjusted pretty well...he's living full-time with us now, and if it weren't such a horrible real-estate market, I think he would have sold his place and made a longer term commitment with us.

Hubby also continues in much the same place. I saw bitbucket's reply several days ago, and it certainly is something I've wondered about over the months...perhaps hubby would be happier living an "out" transgendered or some other lifestyle, and perhaps I'm holding him back.

Still, there's something deeper between us than "good and loving friends". Ours may be non-traditional, but it is a wonderful, love-filled connection nonetheless, and I'd feel like a part of me was lost if I couldn't think of him as being in my life forever.

In a strange way, I've been thinking a lot about what exactly it is that I get from our relationship. Sometimes, I think maybe I have a very mild "bi" side that he brings out, and the feminine part of him fills that need in me. Sometimes, I think it's just the history we share that goes back to kindergarten with us. We've been there for each other our whole lives, and just because we're not having sex doesn't mean that we're not soul-mates.

Anyway, I don't know that I'm offering an adequate explanation for some of you. If a friend of mine explained that she could be enjoying daily orgasmic bliss with a man not her husband, up to inviting him to live in their home...well, I'd suggest my friend was a little crazy. But in my own way, I honestly never for a moment considered divorcing hubby - nor would I. Maybe at some point in the future, I'll have greater clarity and will be able to explain it better, but till then, I hope all of you can perhaps respect the kind of relationship we've setup.

mred, glad to offer an update...

Things are a bit up in the air at the moment...we had a pregnancy scare a few weeks ago, and it upset my bf. I'm on the pill, but I missed a few accidentally last month, and then I was about a week late getting my period. I didn't "feel" pregnant (not that I know what that feels like!), but my bf got all freaked out by the thought and it led to some interesting heated discussions.

Funny thing is how I felt afterwards...he left me feeling sort of like I'm okay to live with, to have sex with whenever he likes - but somehow I'm not worthy of having his baby. I'm sure it's just me being hormonal, but lately I've been feeling like something was shattered between us. I guess even women living a sordid life like me want to believe our guys think the world of us, and now that feeling is a little tainted for me. I'm sure another discussion is in our future...

As for hubby, no major changes there. He's been in therapy for a while - keep expecting him to wake up and go "what am I doing?", but so far, it just seems more about him feeling more comfortable with his fem side. He's been in that mode for a long while now, so I don't really give it a second thought anymore...but I'm sure it's a struggle for him.

One of the things I find odd about hubby is how he just doesn't seem to know what he wants to be and how far he wants to take it. I guess I could see guys wanting to maybe try on some sexy lingerie or see what it feels like to wear makeup. But it's like he has to go further inch by inch, rather than just admitting what he wants and heading there. I'm not the judgemental type, but it always seemed like he was torturing himself this way. I hope he gets to the point where he can say, "I want to be X" and just do it.

Anyway, that's it for the Val update...thanks to all who continue to read.

Thank you for the Val updates. This ios one of the threads that I continue to monitor because I really do enjoy reading everything that you have to say. I am glad that things are working out ok for you (even with the 'scare'). I hope that it does continue to go well and for the record, I respect the relationship you have. Honestly, im sure there are many of us that are jealous of this kind of relationship and wish we were in the same kind. Anyways, thanks again for sharing your life with us.

My wife & I have been in a cuckold relationship for a few years now. Ours differ from yours in that we still have sex on occasions. Recently, however, she has been wanting me less and less. In fact, prior to this week it had been six months since I had been with her in any way other than performing orally on her. She loves it when I lick her lover's cum out of her.

However, a few days ago, she allowed me to make love to her again, but only after she had spent the night with her lover. I didn't mind that it was "sloppy seconds" adn was just happy that she is happy & I am still a part of her life.

pirateinthemountains, I suppose there are other ways to feel part of her life that don't involve sex. I think men confuse intimacy with sex too much, and while they are often linked, there are plenty of ways to feel intimately bonded to someone, even if you're not having sex with him.

This pretty well sums up my feelings for my own hubby, and perhaps your wife feels the same way.

I will add that there's something about the cuck relationship that can't help but impact the way any woman would feel about her hubby. I don't mean it in the humiliating way many on here would take it...it's more subtle than that. You start looking at him differently, you feel all sorts of conflict as you realize your body wants to respond to another man instead of him - and so on and so on.

After a while, your head just sort of overloads - and I think the best outcome might just be having more of an asexual marriage so you don't have to sort through all this conflict every day. At the same time, it doesn't mean you don't love your spouse...on the contrary, at least in my case, these kinds of thoughts make me think long and hard about who he is and what the nature of our commitment to each other might be. And we stayed together, and in some ways, strengthened our bonds.

Just my two-cents worth...

I learned so much from this thread. Thank you Val Gal. I think I finally understand what women feel in situations like this. It definitely makes it easier for me to understand her side of things. This is something I have been grappling with.

Asehpe, good to hear from you, and thanks for the sincere comments.

I agree with your thoughts on intimacy. The way I think of it is that we're all pretty much maintaining various barriers between ourselves and the world as we float through life. There are a very few we let get past these barriers, and my hubby is probably the one who has gotten the closest to the real me, to the point where on certain matters, our thoughts can be completely intertwined. It's just that "conventional" sex isn't one of the areas where this happens.

You're right that I don't completely understand the cuck idea. I mean, I get it intellectually...it's just not something that I can relate to at a deeper, more emotional level. I'm generally a possessive person, and for me, love, faithfulness and exclusivity go hand in hand. But as you say, because of the other connections we have, I accept that it's what he wants and I don't question the whole relationship, merely because my hubby has one peculiar need.

As for my other guy, I am indeed a little worried, not just because of what he said, but now how I'm feeling about it afterwards. I guess I convinced myself he was interested in more than just all the sex he could handle, and now the bubble has burst a bit. I'm very sensitive to this...if I start feeling like little more than a human sperm recepticle, things will not survive. Hopefully it passes, but there's starting to be some distance between us that's making us both feel uncomfortable. Now that some time has passed, we need to communicate and get to the bottom of things.

cuckjay, thanks also for the compliments. I discovered this site at a time when I was pretty confused about why my hubby wanted this sort of lifestyle - one I had no idea even existed. Seeing others in here was sort of reassuring, and over time, I felt like maybe other people might get some benefit from hearing our story.

ValGal, my pleasure.

Indeed, yours is the adventure of a vanilla woman who is in love with a man cursed/blessed with the cuckold fetish, and as far as I can see you've done admirably well at steering through the difficult waters of such a relationship. You are just like my wife (all we've done, and apparently all we'll ever do in this direction, is fantasize--she can go that far, but no further, because to her, as to you, love goes hand in hand with exclusivity and faithfulness).

Some women apparently do 'get it' in the sense that playing the cuckoldress role is also sexually arousing to them--at least, if we trust some of the other letter threads here. Theirs is a different situation, and their marriages have a different developmental dynamics. But in your case, I honestly don't see how you could do much better than you're doing now. I had at first feared you would eventually leave your hubby ('losing interest in hubby' sounded ominous), but your love for him is by now so obvious I don't think this is really a big danger.

Maybe your other guy is indeed a bit superficial; I hope you can have a few good talks to find out if this is true or not. All in all, it's a very vanilla situation, isn't it? Does he like me, or does he just want to have sex with me? Nothing necessarily wrong with the latter, but if that's not what you want, then it's not going to work in the long run either.

Good luck, ValGal! I'll be here every now and then to see how you're doing in your quest for happiness!

ValGal, thanks for sharing your story with all of us, it is very inspiring for me. Your husband are boyfriend are certainly very lucky to be involved with you, you are a very special lady.

ValGal,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am in a similar relationship with my wife. What has happened in your marriage (and others who have added to this thread) makes me feel as if I am (we are) not alone. This is very comforting. My marriage is a bit different from yours in that we began as a cuckold couple. But, interestingly it has evolved in a direction that is much more extreme than I could have imagined. This is truly a "be careful what you wish for" situation!

When we met she admitted that she was both a "size queen" and a cheater. I was looking for a cuckold relationship. We both thought this just might work out for us. As we dated, we certainly felt a lot of attraction and chemistry with each other. Sex, however, was far different from normal. She made it clear from day one she did not feel any sexual attraction towards me as her preference was for very well endowed men. I am very submissive towards women in general and found myself lusting for her greatly. She really enjoyed my submissive nature and rewarded me by allowing me to orally pleasure her and especially to let me indulge my desire to worship her ass.

We tried a couple of times very early on to do a "mercy" fuck but it was miserable for both of us because I could see she was genuinely not interested. However, she has had many lovers over the years and if he is well endowed I have observed my wife get very sexually aroused and has the most intense orgasms.

We've had a few rough spots because I was so lusty for her that I thought I would get a mercy fuck or even a mercy hand job every now and then. But, as the years rolled by she never initiated that kind of sex with me and if I asked I was told no. However, she never denies me worshipping her ass. She does ask me to orally pleasure her in between lovers.

How does this work? We love each other, that's for sure. We genuninely enjoy each others' company. As our cuckold marriage unfolded, she has admitted she has viewed me as less and less of a man. She said she simply does not view me in a sexual sense at all. My submissive side revels in the humiliation of her sexual rejection (weird, I know). I often think that a "real" man would simply move on to a different woman. But, I have a history of sexual rejection by women. I ended up living alone a lot jerking off by myself.

We have separate bedrooms. Sometimes I am around when her lovers are over and sometimes not. When I see her with one of her lovers and hear her compliments towards him and screams of pleasure I am reminded that sexual attraction just happens. And I am reminded of my inadequacy in her eyes as a lover. My submissive side has adapted by thinking of myself as a eunuch and she is my queen. She feels the same way towards me. The difference is that I am so lusty for her but accept my role in our relationship.

There is a lot of value for both of us in our relationship that far outweighs the negatives. We know we will be together forever. Sex is for her and her lovers. I am the faithful cuckold who adores her at all times. My desperation for sex with her only serves to turn her on more with her lovers. I crawl off to my own room to sniff her panties and come to terms with the fact that her sexual rejection has once again aroused me greatly.

Thanks again for sharing your life with us.

marcus

It's been a while, so I thought I'd check in.

First, thanks to everyone who posted that I haven't answered specifically. I always appreciate input, especially if it seems to be coming from a sincere place.

Second, as for our situation, a few things have changed in recent months.

For me, the main change is that I broke up with my live-in bf, which was very sad and painful to me. Something I've learned is that maybe he liked being with me, so long as he could see me as "some other guy's wife". When I started acting like *his* wife, with all the usual emotional stuff that brings, he became less interested, and of course that made me feel insecure and it just cycled down till we couldn't be with each other. My only regret is that he sort of just took off, leaving a pretty nasty goodbye note. Would have been nice to talk about it.

Funny thing is that I don't think of myself as one of those clingy, needy women. Sure, I like to talk about stuff, but I don't at all consider myself "high maintenance", and I always felt like I was giving a lot more than I was asking for. Oh well - his loss...

For now, this leaves me mostly unattached. I see my "ex" (the first guy I cucked hubby with) once in a while, but it's just about the sex with him...he has a girlfriend, and we both know a deeper relationship doesn't work between us.

As for hubby, I guess one of the earlier posters was right - he's sort of coming out of the closet as a transgendered person (don't laugh - I guess I was the last to figure it out, even though it was right under my nose).

He's pretty much built a female life for himself (herself?), living as a woman 24x7. In the past few months, there's even been a little dating going on and hubby has learned what it's like to have a boyfriend, although I think it's mostly about reaffirming his feminine self, rather than any true connection to a man. But, I guess I could be in some sort of denial.

Anyway, it's occurring to me that at some point, hubby is probably going to want to go further - sex-change surgery and all that stuff. Somehow, I guess I'm happy for him as it seems to bring out a calmness he never had as a guy.

Seems kind of ironic though how this all is turning out. Hubby wanted me to see other guys, and I thought I could have this polyamorous lifestyle where I was surrounded by guys I was in love with. Instead, it's really quite the opposite, and now I'm turning out to be the one who's emerging alone. How ironic is that?

I'm sorry to here things havn't work out the way you wanted, but ValGal I suspect it won't take too long for you to find another bf.

Its interesting that your husband made a transition to transgender. I guess that makes sense and explains a lot more of why you were looking for what you were looking for. I guess it goes to show that every relationship is different and some very different. When I made suggestions that kind of upset you over a year ago I was comming from my perspective as a husband instead of his.

I hope things turn around soon for you.

Valgal, I seem to detect more than a little overtone of sadness in your last post; I am really sorry that things seem to be turning out badly. I... I really don't know what to say. To put it better, it's highly unlikely that I could say something you haven't thought of by yourself by now. So I will simply offer you my sincere sympathy.

It seems your hubby wasn't a cuck wannabee after all. It seems he really wanted to become a woman. The cuck humiliation subspace was apparently a way of dealing with his (her?) desire to emerge as a woman -- perhaps this was easier to accept at first for him than actually wanting to change his sex. But now this would leave you with a wife, rather than I husband. I can appreciate that this is not the kind of situation you wanted.

What an unlucky turn of events. Valgal, I am truly sorry.

I don't know what is going on in your hubby's head, and how s/he is reacting to it. You used to say that s/he was a great guy; I hope s/he understands how much suffering this situation will potentially bring to you, and that s/he is doing something about this. You've done a lot to help him/her. It wouldn't be funny at all -- it would be almost perverse -- if it turned out that it's hubby who is losing interest in wifey.

I suppose that's what you're afraid of? That s/he'll leave you for a real boyfriend someday?

Like everything else in life, if it's what has to happen, then it has to happen. The two of you should probably talk about what s/he wants to do, how s/he sees your future, and how your relationship will evolve. If it all boils down to s/he wanting to be a woman with a boyfriend and all... if the real commitment to a man that you might and might not be in denial about is true, or will be true someday... then you should know about it, and face it. (I'm hoping that s/he is also as great a person as you once described, and that s/he'll give you support. Of course I also understand the whole situation must be complicated and fraught with emotional puzzles also for him/her. You'll really need to be each other's best friends, I guess.)

But all in all... Valgal, you always struck me as a very self-reliant person. I have the impression you have something of a rock in yourself, and you'll be able to survive just about anything. And as mred pointed out above, you probably won't find it hard to get another boyfriend. I remember you once said in a post that you probably could get any man you wanted if you set your mind to it.

Don't lose your faith in yourself. Remember Nietzsche? Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger? That's about the size of it.

I wish you the best of lucks. Sincerely.

I too am saddened by the way thing's have turned out for you. However, it does seem that you were never truly for the lifestyle presented(between cuck's and bulls) and really do desire a man whom will want you for you.

I sense your deep love for your husband and I also sense that if thing's had turned around, if your husband had suddenly"woken up" that you would have easily dropped these other men for him.

Your loss in attraction was more for the fact that you wanted someone to treat you as a woman and give you that submissiveness you yourself crave and that desire is NOT without merit.

However, it does sound like your Hubby has used you to some degree and I have seen this happen in marriage's before, a man with latent desires(whether homosexual or not) getting into a "comfort zone" and then using those within it as a means to explore this side before fully exiting it.

It is a sad reality but perhaps it IS time for you to move on. I do sense that you really don't care about this issue of "large cock" as much as other's here might like to fantasize and that you would like to be with someone whom will really explore you as you explore them.

I realize your feelings are conflicted, you still love your husband and part of you(even if you are trying to run away from it) still wants him to come back and be a man(so to speak) but this won't happen.

I wish I'd have come sooner, I've been reading to some degree but haven't followed along as much as I wish I could have...

My advice would be to move on. It IS difficult but I still get this overwhelming sense that it's not that you're ACCEPTING these thing's but rather suppressing your feelings as much to the fact that it's bearable but deep down somewhere there is still that feeling as if you are being left behind.

I can not imagine how insecure you must feel and for that I am truly sorry, however I can say that you do not DESERVE to be treated in this way, you shouldn't have to be so alone like this and you deserve a guy whom won't use you in this manner.

Stop feeling so guilty, your feelings towards these other men are NOTHING to be ashamed of and I sense that even if you won't say it that part of WHY you feel so conflicted is because you DO want to run away with these men but you still love your husband.

In many sense's I am a bull, I enjoy that prospect and I understand the sides that cuckolds take but even so I would not push that on someone such as you.

To me it sounds as if you he introduced this lifestyle to you and you, in love with him so tried to find some middle ground with him and instead of stopping it and really saying "no" to him you let yourself get too wrapped up and now find yourself in such a difficult predicament.

I suggest getting out of the lifestyle for a while. Be with your husband on his journey and leave these other guy's behind for a short while. Really find out if your relationship with him will continue and if he DOES desire other men then help him make that transition so YOU can have a sense of finality in this.

It is difficult but time apart from these other men may do you some good. Talk to your husband about your worries and fears and try not to get so wrapped up with another love just yet.

I realize this conflicts with a lot of what other's are saying but after what you said in your last hope I just can't help it. This is tearing you up, you want to be loved, to love and to have love and everything seems to be just flushing down the tubes.

Take time for yourself girl, your own heart, you deserve it.

I'm really touched by the warm and sincere posts...thanks mred, asehpe and changer. I do appreciate the kind words and advice.

It has been a sad time for me, as I feel like I've been doing a lot of grieving in many directions at once, coupled with a tendency I have to question myself about past sins too much. But, I've spent a few months in this place and I think I'm getting ready to let go of some of it.

Apart from anything else, I do believe hubby will be happier with the life he's choosing. I know it kills him to put me through it, and I respect that he wouldn't do that - to himself or to me - if it weren't "life and death" for him. Other than the darkness we share around out marriage, I see the difference in him - he's happy in ways he never was before, and I guess I want that for him.

Whether that means we'll continue in some living together situation is unclear to me. He's suggested we could live as sisters, at least until one of us decides to pursue other things. I guess in honesty, this is what we've settled into by default, since neither of us has seriously talked about moving out.

As for the other guys, well, I guess I see that I made a lot of compromises in order to have relationships with them.

Really, there were just two. #1 was safe...he's like 20 years older than me, had been recently divorced when I met him - just in a different place in life. The sex was amazing (still the best I've ever experienced), but really, there was probably too much baggage - and more importantly, too many reasons we didn't have to sort through it together. We pretty much just used each other, not that there's anything particularly wrong with that given both our needs at the time.

As for #2, that was a little different because we ultimately did live together for about six months. He was much more "relationship material", but still, we brought a lot of baggage into it. Still, althought the sex was also very good, for me, it was more about the intimacy, feelings and the chance to have a real emotional bond with someone. Of course, I think the reason he chose someone like me was some sort of deep-seated fear of commitment or intimacy. He could get close, but only to a point, and for someone like me who wants to be completely intertwined with my partner, this would never work.

So I get the sense I'm going to be single again, on the prowl for some nice guy who sees me as the great love of his life and wants to settle down and maybe make a few babies with me. I guess that's the last hurdle for me...I never had any trouble meeting guys, I just have to get my head into a place where all this stuff is in my past. And, of course, find someone who listens to my little history and doesn't run full speed in the other direction.

Thanks again to everyone in here...not sure I'll have much to say in the future, but I wish all of you the best of luck.

Wow.... what an interesting couple years you've had. I can well understand why you may not stick around, lthough I know everyone here hopes you do, but I think circumstances brought you here in the first place and it never really was cuckolding per say.

I still feel very sorry for you Val Gal. It sounds like your a very open person, but I would suggest as you go on make one of your criteria for a new guy to be that you can tell him anything, but I would hold off on telling a lot of this until down the road when you decide he is a keeper. Or Don't tell them your "little history" at all. Its ok to be truthfull, but not tell ALL of your past.

I really hope you find what your looking for. Good luck to you.
Sincerely Ed