| Author |
Message |
ValGal
Member
83
|
# Posted: 23 Jun 2008 20:29:15
Reply
Melbhusb, thanks for the words of encouragement...
We just got home from our little vacation together, just the three of us. Parts were sort of weird, especially some of the looks we were getting from people who seemed unsure who was who.
I guess it caused me to give it all some extra thought, and I admit I had a few moments of guilt and that sense of "what the hell am I doing?" I get sometimes. We were in a place where hubby and I stayed together a long time ago...I'm sure that triggered some things. Partly, I guess I was hoping he'd somehow "snap out of it" and try to reclaim me - but then I guess that's just not who he is.
Of course, when I have those thoughts about hubby, I also start to feel guilty about my bf. I guess I have other ways to make it up to him, but it's a weird dichotomy - no matter what thoughts I have, I'm always cheating on someone.
Anyway, I don't mean to sound dark about it - it was a nice weekend all the way around, and in a lot of ways, I think it did us good.
Still, in the end I felt very lucky indeed to have two wonderful men in love with me.
|
jbrown
Member
125
|
# Posted: 23 Jun 2008 21:40:09
Reply
wow very very insightful post i'm going to go with palmcoast we seem to have the same ideals and lifestlyes.for me i'm come first to my wife and always will the second that changes the other guy would be gone never to be seen again ever...the extra guys is purely fun the cross over valgal has taken is would have way overstepped the line and would have been the breaking point for me.my wife and i talk alot her current b/f she likes and that is it but for her the sex she can remember the actions the passion but she never remembers his face in it we are all good freinds and she made me promise to never tell him.as for this i fine with fucking. true love would kill me
truely enjoyng married life one fuck at a time
|
draclif69
Member
1516
|
# Posted: 23 Jun 2008 22:50:12
Reply
Who is the "us" you mean Val?
|
jbrown
Member
125
|
# Posted: 25 Jun 2008 02:28:45
Reply
hey val i read your post have you given up on your husband but still feel guilt for "leaving him"it seems your far more into the b/f.but my question if things went diferent your husband fought tooth and nail to keep you would things have taken a different course.we're still quite new to this and i never want to go down this path.i could never let my wife go i love her far far to much.any insight on this would be greatly apprecaited.good luck on which ever way your world goes
truely enjoyng married life one fuck at a time
|
ValGal
Member
83
|
# Posted: 25 Jun 2008 02:49:08
Reply
draclif69, I suppose my definition of "us" is sort of fluid these days...as I think about it, I guess I'm trying to define an "us" that includes three people.
jbrown, I don't like words like "given up", mainly because it's not true and they just don't fit our situation. I've never for a moment thought about "giving up" hubby in a permanent sense to be with my bf (or anyone else). In my own way, I'm committed to being with him for the rest of my life, and that's never changed.
The part that's hard to get your head around is that while my commitment to hubby remains intact, I've also learned that I can be in love with someone else. To most people, I'm sure it sounds like the guy who gets to have sex with me is somehow the "superior" one, but trust me - it's not really as simple as that. There are all sorts of nuances going on.
My current attempt at a solution - and I admit that it's imperfect and not for everyone - is to try to create what feels like a three-way family between me and the men I love. I think everyone is different...geez, I don't even know if this is going to work out for us...but I'm trying my best to find a setup that works for everyone with as little pain spilling over as possible for anyone.
|
ValGal
Member
83
|
# Posted: 6 Jul 2008 18:11:32
Reply
Haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd share a fairly significant event...
A few days ago, my bf decided that our setup is a little too hard for him and now we're thinking to break up. I'm really tortured over it, but he seems to accept that he can't have me all to himself, and so he'd rather be free to search for someone to call his own than continue this way.
I'm still kind of numb to the whole thing, so not much else to say for now. Lots of pain though.
|
bsmp6419
Member
53
|
# Posted: 6 Jul 2008 18:56:58
Reply
Sorry to hear that, ValGal. It sounds like you were really trying to make the best of a difficult situation.
|
blazingsun
Member
16
|
# Posted: 6 Jul 2008 21:33:31
Reply
Hi sorry to hear that. I have left an PM.
Wish you all the best.
|
subserv
Member
21
|
# Posted: 7 Jul 2008 18:50:47
Reply
Sorry to hear about this. You have been very honest in sharing so much and we appreciate it. Wishing you all the best.
|
alex_th
Member
90
|
# Posted: 7 Jul 2008 21:39:15
Reply
Awww, sorry to hear that ValGal 
|
enuro12
Member
98
|
# Posted: 7 Jul 2008 21:53:52
Reply
Val,
I've followed this from the start. I could never post due to my mixed feelings on the topic. I've watched lots of these threads turn into divorce. It just tears me up some how to read them. I feel for both sides.
You said "I guess I was hoping he'd somehow "snap out of it" and try to reclaim me "
So maybe this is your chance to tell hubby how u feel. Maybe over the past few months he has changed as well I would want a chance to make you fully happy with me again, and maybe now he can bring it.
I wont wanna pretend to understand all the dynamics of the situation, but someone is going to get hurt, and after all you still have a husband who loves you very much. Enough to completely ignore all the instincts to fight for you. And when i say that i mean that he would rather share you, than loose you.
|
enuro12
Member
98
|
# Posted: 7 Jul 2008 21:55:05
Reply
I would like to add, that maybe he just needs to hear you say what is quoted. If he has changed in a way that fufill all your needs he wont need you to explain that to him.
|
subcuckinseattle
Member
99
|
# Posted: 8 Jul 2008 02:23:10
Reply
Val, I've never commented on your posts, been a bit of a voyeur in some respects...more lurking I'd say, but I just wanted to tell you, you sound so incredibly mature and responsible.
I haven't a clue how old the 2 of you are, but the level of understanding and love you have for your husband is more than incredible, and wise beyond any years.
Someday if I'm lucky enough to find someone like you...I'll feel complete.
Best to you and your husband. Truly.
|
ValGal
Member
83
|
# Posted: 9 Jul 2008 05:07:53
Reply
Thanks to all who expressed these warm and supportive thoughts...means a lot to us. Can't say how things will work out now or in the future, but hopefully stay tuned for more.
Thanks again to everyone who contributed to this thread...hope in some way our story impacted some of you.
|
draclif69
Member
1516
|
# Posted: 10 Jul 2008 03:42:09
Reply
Oh ValGal, I'm so sorry that you're going through painful experiences. Stay focused on happiness; aim for it. It will come again.
|
imasub2000
Member
18
|
# Posted: 12 Jul 2008 05:07:19
Reply
Val, this thread certainly has had an impact on me. Things will work out for you. I know things are rough now but like drac said, it will come again. Hang in there!!
|
ValGal
Member
83
|
# Posted: 13 Jul 2008 13:18:31
Reply
Thanks imasub2000 and draclif69 for checking in.
I suppose I'm learning another dimension of the cuckold lifestyle, and that's how it feels to fall for someone, then break up - in the context of being married to someone else. It's certainly a little weird to be suffering through what feels like a big loss, but still have a loving hubby around who does his best to help me pick up the pieces.
I'm so far trying to keep my thoughts in the realm of celebrating the relationship I had with my bf, being thankful for the times we shared and the positive parts of having had him in my life. Still, it's hard not to dwell on the other stuff...feelings of lonliness, inadequacy, "if only I had done xyz" thoughts and so on . And of course the loss of the passion and intimacy is rough too...I guess I'd become accustomed to having what seemed like an endless well of incredibly terrific sex whenever I wanted it.
Hubby is really being wonderful through all this...I'm sure it hurts and humiliates him at a pretty deep level to see his wife in tears because her lover abondoned her. But through it all, he's been there unconditionally for me, doing whatever he can to keep my spirits up. He fills in important emotional role in my life, and I sometimes wish it went further with him.
Anyway, no plans for the future at this point...still in that mode where I feel like I want to hide under a rock for a while longer. Hopefully, that stage won't last forever and I'll have some clarity around what my next steps are.
Thanks again to all of you who have expressed support in here...it's appreciated.
|
dblue1
Member
100
|
# Posted: 13 Jul 2008 13:52:48
Reply
Valgal,
Have you thought about having sex with your husband again now that you don't have a lover?
|
ValGal
Member
83
|
# Posted: 16 Jul 2008 02:51:41
Reply
Hey dblue1, in all honesty - no, I haven't given it any thought one way or another. Not sure if hubby has...but I'd expect this one to be in his court, so to speak. In other words, if he wants to apply for the position, he'll need to step up and say something.
|
mred4682
Member
102
|
# Posted: 16 Jul 2008 10:46:06
Reply
Sorry your in pain ValGal...
We posted early on that we thought it risky for you to fall so much for your boyfriend and exclude your husband, then we then we backed off. Hope all the pleasures you had were worth the pain your now having.
Good luck to you and your husband.
|
imasub2000
Member
18
|
# Posted: 17 Jul 2008 02:22:32
Reply
I dont normally step in but mred, she didnt exclude her husband. Is it a risk to have something like this happen? Of course. However, everyone was happy, including her husband so no one was forced into the situation. Personally, i thought this situation was probably the way anyone in the lifestyle would like. Unfortunately, he decided it wasnt for him. Its a risk but im sure its one that was worth.
Maybe i misread your post, if I did I apologize...
Val, I hope things continue to get better as time goes on.
|
subcuckold
Member
66
|
# Posted: 17 Jul 2008 16:45:34
Reply
valgal... probably you?ll find easier to manage your situation if you google about polyamory. That's the relationship my "wife" (living together for 21 years but not married) and I follow. We will carry on being a couple for the rest of our lifes but she's fallen for several of her lovers and we have found the way to manage the whole thing. If you want more info please feel free to ask.
|
jindaboy
Member
23
|
# Posted: 18 Jul 2008 06:07:19
Reply
Dear Val...am simply writing to let u know that others have been where u are now. My wife has been in love with several of her partners over the years only to be let down by them at some stage or another. As the husband in a similar situation to your own, I urge u both to keep talking, keep sharing whatever u both can because it is this sharing that is indeed the most valuable part in any relationship (cuckold or not). My best wishes to u both and I know that u will both find that time truly does heal all wounds.
enjoy life
xx
|
ValGal
Member
83
|
# Posted: 19 Jul 2008 02:30:53
Reply
Thanks again to all of you who have checked in with words of support...maybe this site isn't just guys looking for cheap thrills after all.
Thanks especially to the poster (subcuckold) who suggested "polyamory"...I've been doing some reading, and I have to say that it fits our approach (or what was our approach) more than the cuckold thing. Also makes me feel a whole lot saner reading that there are others in this sort of setup "on purpose".
Anyway, time marches on...still missing my bf, but I guess I'm at the stage where I sort of understand that maybe he had needs I couldn't fill, and if he gets them met some other way - I guess I'm happy for him. Sad for me, but happy for him.
Hubby is his usual trooper throughout, trying his best to deal with me as I go through my daily crying fits and meltdowns. I owe him.
|
mred4682
Member
102
|
# Posted: 21 Jul 2008 17:03:30
Reply
By exclude her husband, she did go for weekends and more on a regular basis without him and she truly fell in love with her boyfriend. Maybe exclude is a bad way of putting it, because he knew about it, but she said early on she was spending more time with her boyfriend then her husband. My wife and I both mentioned early on that by not living this life style together leads the risk of losing each other. Then we totally stopped saying anything because ValGal told us he was ok. But I still wonder if he was and is totally ok with all this, or is just being a "trooper" because he doesn't know what else to do. I've read all about polyamory it and it does sound like it fits ValGals desires, non of us really know if it fits her husbands or not for sure.
I'm glad your still with your husband ValGal, and I'm sorry your in pain. No offense meant at all to you and your relationships. Just in my opinion a word of warning for others, that might feel your way of living this lifestyle might be for them. There is always the other extreme where the wife doesn't stay and leaves the husband. Once again good luck to you.
|
imasub2000
Member
18
|
# Posted: 23 Jul 2008 03:15:37
Reply
That is very true and something that should be taken into consideration for sure. I cant say much about the polyamory because i only know a little about it. Ill have to do some research
Hope things are getting a little better VG
|
dblue1
Member
100
|
# Posted: 23 Jul 2008 12:01:04
Reply
Val_Gal, the thing about polyamory is that usually both members of the couple tend to see other people, but it doesn't sound like your husband is particularly interested in having sex with women.
|
ValGal
Member
83
|
# Posted: 27 Jul 2008 16:50:07
Reply
mred4682, I know it's hard to understand without being in my shoes, but I never "excluded" my hubby in the ways you hint at. Indeed, a lot of my motivation of getting into this lifestyle in the first place came from an attempt to give hubby something he wanted.
You're right - somewhere along the way, feelings came up, but hubby and I were always talking and I think we were always 100% honest about everything going on. There was no deception or cheating going on here, and while it certainly evolved, at a certain level, my commitment to my hubby never faded...I couldn't live with myself if I thought that's what I was doing.
Imasub and dblue, we have become much more interested in polyamory because it just seems more "loving" somehow. From my perspective, cuckolding has a certain negative taint to it...almost like a perversion being acted out. Polyamory, on the other hand, is about loving multiple people at the same time. To me, this is somehow "better" than thinking about it as something like "cheating, but with his permission".
For everyone else, now that some time has passed, I guess the harshest feelings have died down. I saw my "ex" last week...we exchanged some apologies, and I guess I can see it from his point of view. He's a wonderful guy at the base of it all, and I really can't object to him wanting to break free of me in order to find someone all to himself. I even found it within myself to wish him luck, even as I reminded him that he'd never find someone as hot as me...
Still, I continue to value hubby in my life and am as in love with him as ever. He's been my hero through this roller-coaster ride and I don't know what I'd do without him. Of course, he's already starting to ask when I'm going to start to "date" again, but that's another story...
|
MrsBlackBlowupDoll
Member
201
|
# Posted: 27 Jul 2008 17:32:37
Reply
mred4682,
I've been thinking a lot about your thoughts and I'm not at all sure I buy your basic premise. Your assumption is that by engaging in what is essentially risk-play of break-up you increase the risk of break-up. It is a natural intuitive leap, but I'm not sure it is true. Sometimes human psychology and human relations can be a bit counterintuitive.
If a woman feels a strong need for another man than her husband, as ValGal clearly does, and declines to engage in some form of polygamous behavior (swinging, cuckolding, polyamory, etc.) this may carry as much risk to her marriage and happiness as indulgence does. Without the outlet, the pressure within the relationship, and her dissatisfaction with her choices, could bring a crisis point. One spouse getting some of what they need outside the marriage may end up the only way some marriages can be sustained. Indeed, they ay end up much stronger and healthier, as an ailing plant sometime thrives when it's trunks and branches are carefully crutched and splinted.
As for ValGal's husband, I totally agree with you that since we don't know him, we can't know if he is 'ok with all this, or is just being a "trooper,"' but I don't think we should privilege the more pessimistic view. (After all, it is also equally possible that he is more than "ok" and is actually privately quite relieved and pleased.) We just need to defer to ValGal who clearly knows and loves him well.
Anyway, I'm not trying to be argumentative. I've generally agreed that the lifestyle increased risk. But upon reflection, I realize that this was mostly because I wanted to believe it because that risk is, after all, the big sexual thrill for many of us. Thinking with the big head for a change, I am forced to admit that my own experience and that of many people I've come across in the scene suggests that the lifestyle can actually draw couple closer and make their bonds more durable. Given all the variables of people and their situation, it does not seem to me to be very clean cut one way or the other.
|
mred4682
Member
102
|
# Posted: 27 Jul 2008 19:33:46
Reply
MrsBlackBlowupDoll,
Your assesment of our possition is incorrect. I never even came close to saying that ValGal getting outside her marriage what she wasn't getting in it was a risk to HER marriage. Who am I to say what is a risk to hers?
My wife has sex with other men on a regular basis, so how could I even take that stance? What I did say, or meant was essencially replacing your spouse with someone else for a period of time presents a big risk of destroying a lot of relationships. Odviously it did not destroy theirs, but did it make it better? Doesn't sound like it did that either, I guess only time will tell.
I agree that this lifestyle can bring couples closer together. It has for my wife and me, but I believe that happens because of the communication that is necessary to live this live style and in my opionion excluding one or the other person does not help in communicaiton.
For ME there is absolutely no way I would be able to stay in a relationship with my wife if she actually fell in love with another man. Spent most of her free time with him, left me at home by myself every weekend, then moved that man in with us.
I NEVER said it couldn't work for some people! In fact I even think I stated I'm glad it did for them, but I specifically said for others considering it they might want to think twice.
I also never said ValGal's husband wasn't ok with the situation. I might have insinuated it, and ValGal I'm sorry if I did, but I've already said I'm glad it worked for them. I know I could not handle things the way they had it, and I know other men couldn't. Thats all I'm trying to say. NO judement here at all tword them.
I have alway in all my posts tried not to be judgemental and I'm also trying not to be argumentative. I am trying to state a point for discussion sake. There are way to many different ways to live life out there to say any one way is the right way. I just believe there are a lot of people like my wife and me that really do live the things we talk about on these posts and I hope people getting started read everything and really really talk about things and figure out what will work for THEM. With out a LOT of communication I believe every relationship has the pottential for failiar.
Once again my orriginal premise was: My wife and I believe it is a risk not to live this lifestyle together. For US the only way for that to work is for both of us to be present and a part of everything.
|
Terms of Use |
Privacy Policy | Compliance with 18 U.S.C. § 2257 |
Customer Service
