Loosing interest in hubby

Melbhusb, thanks for the words of encouragement...

We just got home from our little vacation together, just the three of us. Parts were sort of weird, especially some of the looks we were getting from people who seemed unsure who was who.

I guess it caused me to give it all some extra thought, and I admit I had a few moments of guilt and that sense of "what the hell am I doing?" I get sometimes. We were in a place where hubby and I stayed together a long time ago...I'm sure that triggered some things. Partly, I guess I was hoping he'd somehow "snap out of it" and try to reclaim me - but then I guess that's just not who he is.

Of course, when I have those thoughts about hubby, I also start to feel guilty about my bf. I guess I have other ways to make it up to him, but it's a weird dichotomy - no matter what thoughts I have, I'm always cheating on someone.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound dark about it - it was a nice weekend all the way around, and in a lot of ways, I think it did us good.



Still, in the end I felt very lucky indeed to have two wonderful men in love with me.

wow very very insightful post i'm going to go with palmcoast we seem to have the same ideals and lifestlyes.for me i'm come first to my wife and always will the second that changes the other guy would be gone never to be seen again ever...the extra guys is purely fun the cross over valgal has taken is would have way overstepped the line and would have been the breaking point for me.my wife and i talk alot her current b/f she likes and that is it but for her the sex she can remember the actions the passion but she never remembers his face in it we are all good freinds and she made me promise to never tell him.as for this i fine with fucking. true love would kill me

Who is the "us" you mean Val?

hey val i read your post have you given up on your husband but still feel guilt for "leaving him"it seems your far more into the b/f.but my question if things went diferent your husband fought tooth and nail to keep you would things have taken a different course.we're still quite new to this and i never want to go down this path.i could never let my wife go i love her far far to much.any insight on this would be greatly apprecaited.good luck on which ever way your world goes

draclif69, I suppose my definition of "us" is sort of fluid these days...as I think about it, I guess I'm trying to define an "us" that includes three people.

jbrown, I don't like words like "given up", mainly because it's not true and they just don't fit our situation. I've never for a moment thought about "giving up" hubby in a permanent sense to be with my bf (or anyone else). In my own way, I'm committed to being with him for the rest of my life, and that's never changed.

The part that's hard to get your head around is that while my commitment to hubby remains intact, I've also learned that I can be in love with someone else. To most people, I'm sure it sounds like the guy who gets to have sex with me is somehow the "superior" one, but trust me - it's not really as simple as that. There are all sorts of nuances going on.

My current attempt at a solution - and I admit that it's imperfect and not for everyone - is to try to create what feels like a three-way family between me and the men I love. I think everyone is different...geez, I don't even know if this is going to work out for us...but I'm trying my best to find a setup that works for everyone with as little pain spilling over as possible for anyone.

Haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd share a fairly significant event...

A few days ago, my bf decided that our setup is a little too hard for him and now we're thinking to break up. I'm really tortured over it, but he seems to accept that he can't have me all to himself, and so he'd rather be free to search for someone to call his own than continue this way.

I'm still kind of numb to the whole thing, so not much else to say for now. Lots of pain though.

Sorry to hear that, ValGal. It sounds like you were really trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

Hi sorry to hear that. I have left an PM.
Wish you all the best.

Sorry to hear about this. You have been very honest in sharing so much and we appreciate it. Wishing you all the best.

Awww, sorry to hear that ValGal

Val,

I've followed this from the start. I could never post due to my mixed feelings on the topic. I've watched lots of these threads turn into divorce. It just tears me up some how to read them. I feel for both sides.


You said "I guess I was hoping he'd somehow "snap out of it" and try to reclaim me "


So maybe this is your chance to tell hubby how u feel. Maybe over the past few months he has changed as well I would want a chance to make you fully happy with me again, and maybe now he can bring it.

I wont wanna pretend to understand all the dynamics of the situation, but someone is going to get hurt, and after all you still have a husband who loves you very much. Enough to completely ignore all the instincts to fight for you. And when i say that i mean that he would rather share you, than loose you.

I would like to add, that maybe he just needs to hear you say what is quoted. If he has changed in a way that fufill all your needs he wont need you to explain that to him.

Val, I've never commented on your posts, been a bit of a voyeur in some respects...more lurking I'd say, but I just wanted to tell you, you sound so incredibly mature and responsible.

I haven't a clue how old the 2 of you are, but the level of understanding and love you have for your husband is more than incredible, and wise beyond any years.

Someday if I'm lucky enough to find someone like you...I'll feel complete.

Best to you and your husband. Truly.

Thanks to all who expressed these warm and supportive thoughts...means a lot to us. Can't say how things will work out now or in the future, but hopefully stay tuned for more.

Thanks again to everyone who contributed to this thread...hope in some way our story impacted some of you.

Oh ValGal, I'm so sorry that you're going through painful experiences. Stay focused on happiness; aim for it. It will come again.

Val, this thread certainly has had an impact on me. Things will work out for you. I know things are rough now but like drac said, it will come again. Hang in there!!

Thanks imasub2000 and draclif69 for checking in.

I suppose I'm learning another dimension of the cuckold lifestyle, and that's how it feels to fall for someone, then break up - in the context of being married to someone else. It's certainly a little weird to be suffering through what feels like a big loss, but still have a loving hubby around who does his best to help me pick up the pieces.

I'm so far trying to keep my thoughts in the realm of celebrating the relationship I had with my bf, being thankful for the times we shared and the positive parts of having had him in my life. Still, it's hard not to dwell on the other stuff...feelings of lonliness, inadequacy, "if only I had done xyz" thoughts and so on . And of course the loss of the passion and intimacy is rough too...I guess I'd become accustomed to having what seemed like an endless well of incredibly terrific sex whenever I wanted it.

Hubby is really being wonderful through all this...I'm sure it hurts and humiliates him at a pretty deep level to see his wife in tears because her lover abondoned her. But through it all, he's been there unconditionally for me, doing whatever he can to keep my spirits up. He fills in important emotional role in my life, and I sometimes wish it went further with him.

Anyway, no plans for the future at this point...still in that mode where I feel like I want to hide under a rock for a while longer. Hopefully, that stage won't last forever and I'll have some clarity around what my next steps are.

Thanks again to all of you who have expressed support in here...it's appreciated.

Valgal,

Have you thought about having sex with your husband again now that you don't have a lover?

Hey dblue1, in all honesty - no, I haven't given it any thought one way or another. Not sure if hubby has...but I'd expect this one to be in his court, so to speak. In other words, if he wants to apply for the position, he'll need to step up and say something.

I dont normally step in but mred, she didnt exclude her husband. Is it a risk to have something like this happen? Of course. However, everyone was happy, including her husband so no one was forced into the situation. Personally, i thought this situation was probably the way anyone in the lifestyle would like. Unfortunately, he decided it wasnt for him. Its a risk but im sure its one that was worth.

Maybe i misread your post, if I did I apologize...

Val, I hope things continue to get better as time goes on.

valgal... probably you?ll find easier to manage your situation if you google about polyamory. That's the relationship my "wife" (living together for 21 years but not married) and I follow. We will carry on being a couple for the rest of our lifes but she's fallen for several of her lovers and we have found the way to manage the whole thing. If you want more info please feel free to ask.

Dear Val...am simply writing to let u know that others have been where u are now. My wife has been in love with several of her partners over the years only to be let down by them at some stage or another. As the husband in a similar situation to your own, I urge u both to keep talking, keep sharing whatever u both can because it is this sharing that is indeed the most valuable part in any relationship (cuckold or not). My best wishes to u both and I know that u will both find that time truly does heal all wounds.

enjoy life

xx

Thanks again to all of you who have checked in with words of support...maybe this site isn't just guys looking for cheap thrills after all.

Thanks especially to the poster (subcuckold) who suggested "polyamory"...I've been doing some reading, and I have to say that it fits our approach (or what was our approach) more than the cuckold thing. Also makes me feel a whole lot saner reading that there are others in this sort of setup "on purpose".

Anyway, time marches on...still missing my bf, but I guess I'm at the stage where I sort of understand that maybe he had needs I couldn't fill, and if he gets them met some other way - I guess I'm happy for him. Sad for me, but happy for him.

Hubby is his usual trooper throughout, trying his best to deal with me as I go through my daily crying fits and meltdowns. I owe him.

That is very true and something that should be taken into consideration for sure. I cant say much about the polyamory because i only know a little about it. Ill have to do some research

Hope things are getting a little better VG

Val_Gal, the thing about polyamory is that usually both members of the couple tend to see other people, but it doesn't sound like your husband is particularly interested in having sex with women.

mred4682, I know it's hard to understand without being in my shoes, but I never "excluded" my hubby in the ways you hint at. Indeed, a lot of my motivation of getting into this lifestyle in the first place came from an attempt to give hubby something he wanted.

You're right - somewhere along the way, feelings came up, but hubby and I were always talking and I think we were always 100% honest about everything going on. There was no deception or cheating going on here, and while it certainly evolved, at a certain level, my commitment to my hubby never faded...I couldn't live with myself if I thought that's what I was doing.

Imasub and dblue, we have become much more interested in polyamory because it just seems more "loving" somehow. From my perspective, cuckolding has a certain negative taint to it...almost like a perversion being acted out. Polyamory, on the other hand, is about loving multiple people at the same time. To me, this is somehow "better" than thinking about it as something like "cheating, but with his permission".

For everyone else, now that some time has passed, I guess the harshest feelings have died down. I saw my "ex" last week...we exchanged some apologies, and I guess I can see it from his point of view. He's a wonderful guy at the base of it all, and I really can't object to him wanting to break free of me in order to find someone all to himself. I even found it within myself to wish him luck, even as I reminded him that he'd never find someone as hot as me...

Still, I continue to value hubby in my life and am as in love with him as ever. He's been my hero through this roller-coaster ride and I don't know what I'd do without him. Of course, he's already starting to ask when I'm going to start to "date" again, but that's another story...

mred4682,

I've been thinking a lot about your thoughts and I'm not at all sure I buy your basic premise. Your assumption is that by engaging in what is essentially risk-play of break-up you increase the risk of break-up. It is a natural intuitive leap, but I'm not sure it is true. Sometimes human psychology and human relations can be a bit counterintuitive.

If a woman feels a strong need for another man than her husband, as ValGal clearly does, and declines to engage in some form of polygamous behavior (swinging, cuckolding, polyamory, etc.) this may carry as much risk to her marriage and happiness as indulgence does. Without the outlet, the pressure within the relationship, and her dissatisfaction with her choices, could bring a crisis point. One spouse getting some of what they need outside the marriage may end up the only way some marriages can be sustained. Indeed, they ay end up much stronger and healthier, as an ailing plant sometime thrives when it's trunks and branches are carefully crutched and splinted.

As for ValGal's husband, I totally agree with you that since we don't know him, we can't know if he is 'ok with all this, or is just being a "trooper,"' but I don't think we should privilege the more pessimistic view. (After all, it is also equally possible that he is more than "ok" and is actually privately quite relieved and pleased.) We just need to defer to ValGal who clearly knows and loves him well.

Anyway, I'm not trying to be argumentative. I've generally agreed that the lifestyle increased risk. But upon reflection, I realize that this was mostly because I wanted to believe it because that risk is, after all, the big sexual thrill for many of us. Thinking with the big head for a change, I am forced to admit that my own experience and that of many people I've come across in the scene suggests that the lifestyle can actually draw couple closer and make their bonds more durable. Given all the variables of people and their situation, it does not seem to me to be very clean cut one way or the other.

Ahhh, I see. I misunderstood you.

I'm also a bit taken back by how emphatic your reply was. Please understand that I never meant to suggest you were being judgmental or argumentative, etc. I assumed you were making a discussion point and I was taking up the discussion, not trying to start a debate.

I am also inclined to agree with your inclination that non-communication is the killer of this kind (and all kinds) of relationships. Honesty and understanding are at a premium in cuckold situations. I also agree completely that different people have different levels that they can accept. As you say, you could never live with the situation ValGal 's husband is now in and I imagine (as you again say) that many men could not handle it (or would not want to). But I still think it is a debatable point that such an arrangement "leads [to] the risk of losing each other."

It seems to me that life is dynamic and inaction therefore a choice itself, as fully fraught with risk as any course one might take. Depending on their situation, a couple might well run as big (or even a bigger) risk of losing each other by choosing another course - even the course of doing nothing.

As I said, I'm not trying to be argumentative and I'm sorry if my view upsets you. I thought ValGal and some of the other readers might be interested.

ValGal,

I am really, really, really sorry to see that your attempt at building a family with your two men did not work out. Much as I respect (and in a sense even understand) your bf's desire to find someone all for himself -- I'm sure after his divorces he's also walked some rough terrain -- you seem to be such a nice person that it is sad to hear you've not got the happiness you so richly deserve.

I've also had some seriously disturbing events in my life, which explains why I didn't even try to return to this site, and makes me feel even more empathy with you. What can one say, other than there'll be better days, perhaps another bf, whatever? That feelings of hurt end up fading slowly into daily routine, till the next exciting event shines a new light on our worlds?... But judging by the little elf-like picture I see next to your name, and by the general tone of your posts, you are a pretty mature and solid person. I am sure you will figure this happiness business out, with some help from hubby and any other willing participant(s). Life may be tough, but we're tougher!

Sincerely wishing you all the best,

Asehpe

Asehpe, thanks for the kind and sincere words...I appreciate it.

As time goes by, I suppose it becomes easier, but we had about 3 years of some of the most intimate connection I could imagine. It may have started out as a purely sexual thing, but he was a genuinely good person, very compatible with me, and deserving of all the loving I could give him.

Still, I can see his side too, and I suppose because I had strong feelings for him, I want him to get what he wants out of life. In this sense, I suppose it's been a growth opportunity for me: balancing my needs, versus the needs of someone I care for, and being adult enough to do the right thing when the time comes.

Anyway, my hubby continues to be just beyond anything I could hope for in terms of his ongoing support and loving. Our relationship is subtly different now...probably emotionally closer. For one thing, I guess hubby finally understands that his greatest fear is unfounded...if ever I was going to dump him in favor of someone else, it would have been now. Yet, the thought never really crossed my mind. It's not just "she says she'll never leave" - now he has evidence.

I suppose hubby and I are slowly also re-negotiating a few things in our relationship, probably for the better. We're having more fun with his feminine side, and I think the sense of inadequacy he had in the bedroom is fading. Not so much because of anything specific, but just because he's been able to see close-up how much I value the emotional bond we have.

Anway, thanks to everyone else who's been posting and sending me private messages of support.