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jamessmith
Member
74
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# Posted: 16 Jun 2008 16:07:11
Reply
My fiancee left me recently for my 'friend' - it is upsetting, but I do wank over it every day...
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MrsBlackBlowupDoll
Member
201
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# Posted: 18 Jun 2008 04:38:39
Reply
 Congratulations jamessmith! You've had a seminal cuckolding experience.
A dozen years or so ago my then fiance left me for her (female) lover. I was already her sub and she had already stopped having sex with me and had it exclusively with her, including in front of me while bound. She told me that her girlfriend was jealous and that she "didn't feel right" about cheating on her with me. Eventually she told me that she would not ever have sex with me again. They told me I could be their slave and live with them but if I did I had to understand I would never get to have sex with women again. I agreed, (but never moved in) but unfortunately they broke up before anything ever evolved from there. (My ex-fiance still wouldn't get back with me, however.)
This all unfolded over the course of a year. More than a decade later, I still horny about it (my wanking is regulated these days, but I can still get hot and bothered) so I think you have years of stroking to look forward to!
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blackside999
Member
48
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# Posted: 19 Jun 2008 07:24:13
Reply
Quite a wide range of responses. Maybe I'm a little too idealistic about cuckolding (if you can be "idealistic" about such a thing). It sounds like there are some cuckold relationships that work but that there are far more that don't. And I think cuckoldgary makes some good points, while some others have a posted a different outlook.
So, I guess the question is, how can you make cuckolding work and have a lasting and fulfilling relationship?
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MrsBlackBlowupDoll
Member
201
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# Posted: 19 Jun 2008 17:29:30
Reply
I think that it can work blackside999, it is a matter of communication, security, commitment and boundaries. For us, we have chosen to push for more risky play, but we didn't need to. For years we engaged in exactly the kind of balanced, healthy, loving cuckoldry you seek. We were a very conventional couple in all other ways and had one of the most successful, supportive, loving and enviable relationships in our circle. (Still do if you ask me, but I think it is a bit extreme now for your tastes.)
Before I used the analogy of gambling. But I did not mean to suggest addiction. It is a myth that this is somehow a slippery slope, that each act of submissive play (cuckolding or otherwise) moves you further down some continuum to total nihilism. The reality is quite the opposite, with acts of cuckolding (and similar humbling) acting as carthasis and freeing people from a lot of emotional baggage. It leads to DEEPER and more stable relationships if it is unforced and mutual.
In fact, my experience and observation is that it takes a tremendous effort and act of will to keep pushing the momentum of BDSM deeper when one of the two partners have found the level which has quenched their issues. That is when relationships get into trouble, because the person wanting more tends to try to force, coerce, or manipulate their partner and/or because the partner who has now satisfied their curiosity begins to recoil at the depths of the fetish of the person they thought they knew. And all the time, you are running against the wind - it is dramatically easier to just engage in this activity in moderation than it is to handle, address, and mutually accept all the complications and sacrifices that come from trying to live a 24/7 public alternative lifestyle. (Think about it: even the very wealthy like Michael Jackson have trouble living entirely in their own fantasy world.)
Don't be so pessimistic. In my experience the truth is that your wife falling for another guy and leaving is VERY UNLIKELY unless:
1. You are a jerk and don't do your job as husband - which has nothing to do with fucking and everything to do with protecting, providing, communicating ad sharing emotionally and materially.
or
2. She is really messed-up and twisted about sex and what it means. (In which case, you shouldn't do this as you would be guilty of #1)
or
3. There is nothing mutual about this and you are pushing her into it. (Which is really #1 again.)
Basically, women nest. As a general rule, they are not always trying to "trade-up." (There is a lot on this point and how it applies to promotion in the workplace, by the way.) For them to leave, it is not enough that he seems a bit better, you will need to be failing in a significant (to her needs) way. Before embarking on a cuckolding lifestyle, you need to consider your weaknesses as a partner for her (that is, based on what she thinks and feels, not your own bullshit fantasy about what you should be, or a man should be, or a family should be.) and estimate risk. And you need to talk very explicitly with her about her needs, your failings, your fantasies and hers, etc. Even if no cuckolding ever happens, it will tremendously strengthen your relationship.
Is that helpful?
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blackside999
Member
48
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# Posted: 22 Jun 2008 13:25:06
Reply
Yes, MrsBlackBlowupDoll, that is helpful. Very helpful. I appreciate your insights, as I'm sure others in this thread do too. (Please expound upon your third paragraph.)
I'm not trying to be pessimistic. I'm really not. But I think it goes back to the mental/emotional state of the woman, as well as that of the man. Let's face it, the prospect of a wife leaving her husband cuts to the core of the cuckold lifestyle. I think cuckolding can be a fulfilling and satisfying part of a lasting relationship -- and I posed this question initially to discuss how that can be achieved -- but there are grave risks for a lot of couples.
For some women, there is no real commitment. For some men, there is no self-esteem. Etc... My belief: If two people love each other, are committed to each other, and know themselves -- then cuckolding can be a wonderful part of a relationship. I'm just saying that those "ideals" aren't always in place. The question is how to achieve that balance.
I agree that communication is key, but both people need to be willing to communicate (which isn't always so). And I'd like to know what you mean by "more extreme tastes." If there is love and commitment, no taste is too extreme for me.
Please share more.
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blackside999
Member
48
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# Posted: 22 Jun 2008 13:27:09
Reply
Also, I'm not into my wife/gf leaving me. Whatever fleeting pleasure that might generate, it doesn't compare to the pain of losing someone I love. In that type of case, it's too extreme for me.
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Masters_1950
Member
192
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# Posted: 22 Jun 2008 14:34:09
Reply
You may fantasise about being a cuckold but when it happens without your prior knowledge or consent then, unless you are totally insensitive, the betrayal hurts. There is always risk, but if you are both living the lifestyle, because that's what you've both agreed, the risk is still present but acknowledged.
When my wife cucked me the betrayal hurt like hell. When I offered to let the other guy come into my home to fuck my wife we didn't see him for dust. She then saw that all he wanted was to fuck without complications; she was upset and felt used. In fact her self confidence was so badly dented it's taken years to rebuild it.
I still have my fantases and would dearly love to see another man's cock pumping into her but it's not something she's interested in now.
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MrsBlackBlowupDoll
Member
201
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# Posted: 24 Jun 2008 18:22:46 · Edited by: MrsBlackBlowupDoll
Reply
Well said Master_1950. I think what you describe is true for most cuckolds. In my own experience when I was much younger and was cuckolded by a girlfriend without enough prior discussion and consent I was furious and dumped her in hurt – even though it was my biggest fantasy.
blackside999, I agree with you totally that “…the prospect of a wife leaving her husband cuts to the core of the cuckold lifestyle.” To my way of thinking, fetish cuckolding (as opposed to the non-fetish use of the word that Master_1950 describes) is a form of BDSM that is all about humiliation and risk. How much of each a given fetishist enjoys is where all the variations come from.
Fetish cuckolding activities are games that we play with our deep-seated fears of losing out in the Darwinian struggle for dominance and breeding partners. Some folks will just want to speak aloud a fantasy about her “replacing” them, or “choosing” some other guy, some will play act it, some will go through with it in controlled, scripted, tightly ritualized episodes, some will go further. But just because the fetish addresses this psychological fear doesn’t mean that the risk is actually that great in real life. There are people with fetishes about being mauled by a bear, but it doesn’t really happen much. (No matter what Mr. Colbert says  )
If you have a healthy, solid, loving, intimate and honest relationship and you mutually agree to play with cuckolding, it seems to me absurdly unlikely that she will leave you. (I know, buzz kill for a lot of guys, but we’re having a frank discussion here, not a beat-off one.) But there are a lot of qualifications in that sentence. If your marriage is not so strong or not so knowing and intimate – and nothing is more common than people who believe that their marriage is when it isn’t – then cuckolding could be just the pressure that splits it (or, you could wait for something else to do that).
If you and your wife have discussed the hopes and dreams of your lives, your plans to grow old together, your deepest needs and fears and desires, and the value you place on each other, and are both willing and into this and have discussed your fears, concerns, and comfort levels, I think there is really very, very little risk. (And if you haven’t done these things, well, why the hell not? Lay off the internet for a bit and spend some time on the marriage.)
(By the way blackside999, I haven’t overlooked your request that I share more on the idea of catharsis and tendency towards moderation. I just got off on a different tangent today. I promise to get back to you soon.)
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