Dickweed
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4
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# Posted: 16 Nov 2005 05:42:31 · Edited by: Dickweed
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Hi Folks, I have a question... and you guys are probly the wrong folks to ask!!! but here goes.
1st,loads of background... sorry about the life story!... but I know how much we like the details!
I'm writing this to try and understand myself better. I think that it all started with my 1st true love, but there where other things before that might play a part as well, so i'll start there, and you be the judge.
i remember as a kid reading my brothers pornos being 12 or 13, and looking at the pictures was great... but i would want to get more from them, so i would always read the goofy forums... of coarse there was always a story about a guy watching his wife get banged by another guy, and to me this was appalling. how that could be a turn on, i didn't know, but... i would still read them...nbd
then as i got older, a guy friend and i, used to try to get girls to do 3somes with us... i was still a virgin (he wasn't) so i had no idea what i was thinking trying to make this happen!! then after a few failed attempts at this, we ended up goofing around with each other instead... nothing to serious, just touchy feely, but it did progress over the course of a year or so, and finally we gave each other blow jobs once or twice... I never came... but he did. worst tasting shit ever to pass my lips. i worried before that, that i might be gay... definately! i'm not gay. (one other note from that time... we did get his girlfriend at the time to do a 3some... she was way hot, but i got shit faced the night we planned to do it, and i could hardly lay in bed without it spinning, let alone get it up... but i was there while they fucked, and remember it pretty well, exellent!
fast forward a year or so... i met (Kathy) at a summer music thing for high school kids at the state collage... i had just turned 17, still virgin. second day there walking back to the dorm, there is this hot girl... waiting at the bus stop. i'm pretty shy, and had never hit on a girl ever... but i said something to her about how beautiful she was... and boy did she give me a smile! wow... i shit my pants and boogied right out of there! after seeing her on the street a couple more times, i finally got the nerve to talk to her, and that is where it began... i was head over heels for this girl! there had been other girls in school that liked me, and that i liked... but this was altogether different for me... like you read about in books... i thought we must be soul mates or something... and i may have been be right.
what is interesting is not that i was so in love... but how blinded i was to some serious issues that started to come out in the 1st few weeks being with her... she was very eager to have sex... she was down on my cock before i knew it... great!! but then she told me about how she was married!! (DOH!) but separated... (OK!) ... but that i was one of a few guys that she was "seeing" (ARG!). i guess i knew what this meant... but i was so blinded that i didn't care. we saw each other for a few months maybe... then she broke it off... saying that she was going back to her hubby... i was devastated... cried for days!!
fast forward a year or so... one day she comes into the cafe i was working at... and shows me her bare....(!) finger. its gone she says!! no more ring!!, and within a month we are living together!! i lose my virginity to her and life is great!! for about 2 months...
turns out this is a very messed up, sweet little girl. she lost her virginity to a loser with some ruffy's at 14!... and then thinks she sposed to love the guy... moves in with him and he beats the shit out of her... the whole deal. she leaves him and proceeds to bang the entire town... she guessed about 100 sex partners by age 18!! DOH! parents kick her out of house... meets a manic depressive that tries to off himself a couple times... and she marries him!! perfect... this is a human train wreck! and... i'm going to help her!! of course!! she is my truest love with unicorns and shit!! right... what a sap i am!
so we had been back together for 2 months or so... and the 1st sign of real trouble is that she's working as a maid, cleaning houses... and she tells me that she's been fucking the clients!!... but that she'll NEVER do it again...now that WE are together... sure. so she quits that... and starts a new job... fine... for a while... but, she is insanely jealous... i could hardly talk ABOUT another girl... let alone TO one! we have some big fights, then all of a sudden she decided to move into her own place... ok... then she tells me that a guy at her new job is paying her rent!! devastation AGAIN!! I am truly ILL that she is whoring for some wealthy guy... (and this is a critical moment for me...) i'm not so blinded anymore... but i still chose to stay with her!! easier to live with, than without... but!!! DOH!
at this point she has a breakdown of sorts, and bags out of her arrangement and moves back in with me, and it is the most brutal awful time i can remember... for the next 2 years, nasty fights... jealous rages (from both sides!), and not much else... i don't even remember the sex being that great... so we can skip over that part.
it gets so bad that we break up, and she moves into her own place. of course... she starts fucking other men. i mean we were broken up right! but to me this was temporary, and she is still my soulmate and unicorns and shit... whatever! i really had no idea for a while... till this one time she mentioned something about her friend jason or justin... something... and how he was gonna come over, and how he had the best ass....it was like flipping a switch... the sound of her voice talking about another guys ass... that was it... BOOM!! i'm getting wood and I'm freaked!! WTF is wrong with me!! I'm broken!~
i didn't tell her... i could hardly believe it myself!! and i would still have moments of feeling sick from it. but at the same time... i began to fantasize about her with other men. not fucking them at 1st... but it wasn't to long before i had her doing gang bangs, and getting DP'd... the whole thing... in my mind.
after a while we got back together, and it was not perfect... fights over $... whatever. until she got gig dancing at a strip club. i thought that she would chicken out... but she did great!! and after a few months, was making great $$ (helped with the fights) so life was good... then she started to stay... at the club... over night... in an apartment... set aside for girls that travel... hmmm, right... but she only had a 30 minute drive? and a new car? hmmm... this fueled my masturbation fantasies beyond imagination... with a little bit of investigating i KNEW that she was fucking other men... but SHE had no idea that I knew... or that i was secretly loving every little lie, and slip up, that she made... knowing that she was getting sexed at the club 4 days a week, and then coming home to sex me... it was... beyond amazing. seeing her lie thru her teeth, and letting her get away with it was the biggest turn on EVER!
a quick note about me... i'm not hung by any means... 5 or 6" at best probly... and not very thick, but i've got big balls... and a big thick helmet! that is what she used to love...
at this time our sex consisted of lotsa foreplay (she had some great stripper outfits to peel off slowly!) then i would fuck her to orgasm while she/or i played with her clit, making her cum at least twice, usually 3 or 4 times (our record was 8 as i remember) and then she would do her magic on me. she had this way of kneeling on my left side, and leaning over me while i lay down. then stoking my cock with her right hand, almost 69'd. this allowed her to get her face right between my legs and give my balls a great licking... and she would know just when to move down a bit further, and give my anus the tonguing it desperately needed... it was the ultimate O!! i remember spraying the wall above my head... 5 or 6' away. this position also allowed me to drift into my fantasy land without even having to look at her face!! but with a great view of her awesome ass! this was to be the best sex of my life at this point. thoughts of her dancing naked in front of men every week... lying to me about fucking them... she would get dressed to hilt in her stripper clothes at home... and say that the owner wanted her to look hot when she arrived that day... when most days she would wear sweats?? hmmm... well you know!
she still didn't know that i was turned on by her extra activities... and didn't know that I knew she was doing it... THEN there was the time that i went to see my guy friend from high school... i left for 10 days or so... had a great time... NOT BEING GAY! (i freakin swear!) clubbing around Miami, looking at girls... and knowing that my girl was home... but not alone!! but when i got back... she was gone. i was relieved when she came back after 3 days. (here is, to this day one of my favorite masturbation memories) she came home, and was pretty quiet, in a hot stripper mini dress, and heels... she asked if i had a nice time, and all on my trip... and when i asked her where she had been, she said that she was "with" a guy... and that she had spent the last 3 days "with" him. I knew what that meant for sure... she said i must have fucked some other girl there, and she was jealous, and thought that she could get "back" at me by fucking someone else... i told her that i hadn't done anything there... but that i understood, and that i wasn't mad. i told her that i figured that it wasn't the 1st time she had done some thing like that, (which got an interesting quick look of suprise!) , but that it was ok. she was really baffled i think... fully expecting that i would get all pissed, and storm out, or worse. i asked her if that was what she wanted me to do... and she said that she was happy that i wasn't mad... i asked if she wanted this guy to be her new boyfriend, and she said no... then we had incredible sex... that she finally came out and told me about it, made me so hot! now it was clear to her that i knew that she was having sex with other men... and it was OK with me! one thing that i still remember her saying is how much better my cock felt... AFTER SHE HAD BEEN WITH SOMEONE ELSE... i asked why, and she said "variety?".
she then told me that she fantasized about other men alot... and i told her that was ok... and even though we kept the real truth from each other, we began to open up to the fact that she "needed" to fuck other men, and that it was "ok" with me... and then our sex got even better! we began to talk about her fantasies and experiences while i fucked her, and while she went down on me WOW! and i think actually at that time she was more faithful to me than ever... she would be home more often, and it was great for about 2 years...
then something happened... I had the perfect girl that would leave a few days a week to go off and do who knows what... then come home with piles of cash.. and fuck my brains out beyond belief... and i had my own life while she was gone, friends (and even other girls...) but then i realized... I WAS UNHAPPY!... unhappy?!?... fuck!! i had it all man!! but... there was this "THING" that was missing!! no real idea what IT was... but it WAS missing. i still get pissed at myself, and have no idea WTF my problem was... i was like this for about 6 months... then i bagged.
i broke up with her one night... and it hurt her real bad. within a few weeks she had moved a couple states away... and i thought that i was happier... I had lotsa different girls... after a couple months she came back to visit me... i realized then that i missed her very much, and we had a great time... interesting thing though, she had a beeper...? and told me that she had been living in a hotel room... still dancing for a living. but she had gained a bit of weight, (that actually made her even hotter!) in my mind i kinda put 2 + 2 together, but i didn't say anything till she came back to visit again a few weeks later, and thats when i called her on it... again, we got along great... and sex was so hot... while i was fucking her i asked if she was really still dancing... it didn't take long for her to come clean with me... and tell me why she had the beeper. she was a call girl!! and wasn't dancing at all... she was working 5 days a week and had 5 or 6 "appointments" a day! and she said that she really was liking it... i asked her how long she planned to continue... (getting hotter and hotter... fucking her brains out) and she said there was no real reason to stop! she loved the sex! and the $$ was great... and she came... again and again! while she was doing her magic on me i told her that i loved her, and loved that she was doing that... she was so good at it i'm sure! and i came as hard as ever i have... and this time she did it super special for me... after i came... she just stayed there... holding my cock real tight... and kept tonguing my ass... cum covering her hand, and my stomach (and the wall!) my cock still rock hard... and then after a few minutes of her amazing tongue in my ass... she would somehow know that i would be ready for her hand to start pumping again... and within a minute i was spent, again... she said that she loved the feeling my ass clinching around her tongue in spasms... that must have been the hottest sex we ever had...
she vanished after that...and its been 11 years now! but i do know that she's still alive!
it took a while... but then i started dating again, and for a while i enjoyed being single, all the while fantasizing about the past, and creating new adventures with her in my head...
and then i met my current wife of 8 years now, and we've had a few kids!! i kept my fantasies a secret from her for the 1st few years... but as we got closer, i opened up about them... and the truth is that i really don't want to have a relationship like the one i had with Kathy again... I really don't... even though i still fantasize about those situations... sometimes i talk about it a bit, and my wife leads me on about how she's been flirting with someone or whatever... but i know for real that she would never do it... or want to.
so my question now is... whats next... what does a recovering cuck do?? is there any other way to get that kind of fire burning?? obviously my dick still works... with kids everywhere... but i don't get that same fire in my balls... i love my wife, and she is fantastic... but our sex is not that kind of super white hot! wtf do i do know? do i want to be "normal"??
looking for help,
(many thanks!)
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rsmith1us
Member
40
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# Posted: 16 Nov 2005 14:41:46
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I don't think I can help but I sure understand what you are talking about. I had all the same doubts and feelings when my wife was cucking me - self doubt, jealousy, shame that the whole thing turned me on so much, questions about whether I was gay and just afraid to admit it, etc, etc.
She made no secret about it and always wanted to bring me along to watch - said it made it better for her. She also picked guys who got off on humiliating me, 'taking her away' from her husband, and getting her to do things for them she'd never do for me. Seeing them squat over her face and her eagerly licking their assholes, the dirtier the better, while they watched me and mocked me would fill me with these incredible feelings - disgust at her, disgust with myself, shame, jealousy - and all the while my cock was a hard as a rock. and I was desperate for her approval.
It finally ended when she got a guy who was too rough and also brought friends with him. One night things got out of hand and she was beaten up. So we stopped dead.
Now, several years later, we're still together but without much sex. Occasionally, she will talk about those days when we're in bed, which makes her hot, just about the only way she can cum with me. I'm still left with all the mixed feelings. These days are easier but far less exciting. I realize I'll never feel as close to her as I did in those days.
So I guess I'm just a 'secret freak.'
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